unclouded day

home

2011-11-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

I started this blog, originally, to talk about the transition from one home to the next. I was feeling really up in the air, and missing friends and family and city lights and a good little life that I had slowly built and suddenly left behind. I was trying to settle into life in this prairie province and finding it very difficult and very lonely.

Today I went to visit my friend. She was married to Joe, who I worked with when we first moved back to the prairies. They have four kids and while we worked together our families became friends. They prayed for Elliot before he was born. And when we learned about Joe's diagnosis, we prayed for them. Joe died in August leaving behind a beautiful and young family. Today was the first time I had the chance to visit with my friends since the requiem, and actually since I heard that Joe was dying.

A few months ago I decided to stop apologizing for calling Toronto home. for three years I have tried to not call it home, or to backpedal and try to say something about how this is home now, or just feel bad and upset when people would comment in one way or another about how I must be planning on going back as if I was a traitor of some kind, having a secret affair with the "east". even though we bought a house here. even though scott's family is here. even though I returned from mat leave 3 months early to work in the church here.

The thing is, and while I'm not trying to make my reappearance into the blogosphere melodramatic, after my visit today I very clearly understood, for the first time, that at some point in the last 10 years Scott has become home. and while I may have a preference for where we live, and even though this is now home, and Toronto is still home, and we will probably always be on the wrong side of the country, no matter what side we might be calling home at any given time, if I am with Scott and Elliot I will be okay.

But what happens when your home dies? Today I weep with my friend for her loss of home.

just in case...

2011-05-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

anyone might still be around and following this sorry excuse of a blog, I am going to try one more time to find the motivation to write on a more regular basis and update this space. For now, here are a couple of pictures of the boy who gives me a thousand things to write about but who spends my writing energy elsewhere.
Can you believe he turned a year old 2 weeks ago??? He has been walking since about 10.5 months and now he can go so fast its almost a run. And his vocabulary, well, it's simply incredible: hat, shoes, ball, outside (i'll admit it sounds more like 'side but trust me, its outside) car, cat, bottle (more like ba-al but I know what he means) and of course bye bye, mama, dada and his new favourite word and thing in the world: puppa (for puppy).

Mama, Elliot (in one of the few moments where he looks like me), Uncle Jeff and cousin Abigail on Elliot's birthday (pre-party)

Abigail and Elliot having a time at the park

Elliot's first birthday cake. Slightly melted by this point in the day but a beautiful Thomas and Friends theme cake provided by our friendly bakers at the local IGA. We decided to avoid the scene that would have inevitably unfolded, if I had tried to make a cake myself, that we would order one this year. It was the right decision.

lent and movies

2011-03-03T15:10:00.001-08:00

If you were going to go to a lenten movie night at your church, what would you hope they would be showing? I need some suggestions ....

the body of Christ, the bread of heaven

2011-02-27T16:51:00.000-08:00

Each Sunday I serve communion to my congregation and I always enjoy how people respond to the words, "the body of Christ broken for you" . Some people look up and smile, some bow their heads, some say amen. Today, a dear parishioner said, "yep".

I couldn't agree more.

sleep, part 100

2011-02-18T22:58:00.000-08:00

So Elliot stopped sleeping through the night when he was four months old and for the last 5 months i have been thinking of reason upon reason for his terrible sleeping patterns as they emerge. Finally, at the beginning of January, we decided to try the sleep whisperer technique after a friend let me know it was working for her her and her new baby. seemed awesome. a good compromise between the no cry sleep solution that just wasn't working and the dreaded decision to make him cry it out. Baby whisperer was working great and then we got sick. and have been sick for a month, and elliot started to crawl and pull himself up and get stranded standing, and suddenly all the hard work of night time sleep training seemed to be undone and we were back at square one. The major problem being that I now work full time and do not have the energy to stay awake all night working on sleep techniques. i need sleep. and so elliot was waking up at 11 and 12 and 2:30 and 4 and 5 and then I would bring him into bed with me and he would nurse until 7. I was basically a walking zombie trying to pastor during the day and mommy all night long. but finally one morning this week, having made the decision that I had to start breaking his habits again and that I was going to start with making him sleep in his own crib all night long, I was losing my mind because he was wide awake at 5 for the second day in a row. and so i gave him a bottle of formula and he passed out. he went back to sleep for 2 more glorious hours! i couldn't believe it. and so i started giving him a bottle at midnight and 5 (or whenever he wakes up around those times) and it seems to be doing the trick. no more 2:30 wake ups. no more needing to sleep with me all morning. the child was starving and that's why he wasn't sleeping!!! thank goodness i didn't make him cry it out -what would i have taught him?? his wake ups were because he was hungry and i wasn't giving him enough with nursing alone anymore. last night i slept for a solid 4 hours between feedings and it was wonderful! I think we may be starting to go in the right direction again.and not a day too soon! phewf.

rest eternal grant onto him o lord, and let light perpetual shine upon him.

2011-01-26T19:48:00.000-08:00

Last week I witnessed death for the first time and there are no words to actually describe what that was like. I went to the hospital in the morning, not realizing what my day would hold and so completely unprepared in every single way -including the very practical not having a bible or prayer book, let alone oil or holy water in my purse. I sat and prayed with my parishioner and his wife. I sat with his wife and talked about marriage and life. we sat for an hour listening to his breathing and quietly talking. When her daughter came and asked if I had holy water and if I had said last rites I left to go to the church to pick up the 'supplies' I should have had with me in the first place. When I got in the car I phoned another priest (with more experience than me) and asked what on earth I was supposed to do. Should I wait all day? leave? hover in the hospital but not in the room? 15 minutes later I was back in the hospital but while I was gone he had died. When I got back in the room there was a busyness I was unprepared for. Although he had already died we prayed together the prayers at the time of death, I anointed him with oil and then I sat. For 3 hours, while the family gathered my job was to sit with my parishioner. To make sure he was not alone while the phone calls that needed to be made were made, and while his life in the hospital was packed up. The family needed someone with him but they could not do it themselves. As family members would come I would talk with them, or back away. hug. cry. swallow gulps of air. but mostly I sat. and prayed a bit. but mostly just sat. When they were ready we made a plan to meet the next day and then after they left and I waited for the funeral home people to arrive (still, so that he would not be alone) the nurses came in and prepared him to be moved. This was the hardest part of the day. I did not want to sit in the room while they did their job. until then he had still seemed like himself but suddenly he was no longer there. and I had to turn away.

Strangely all day long I thought to myself, "I'm surprised how calm I am. wow, I am really calm." but then I got home and cried in Scott's arms and watched my baby sleep and breathe. I was not as calm as I had thought.

As far as death goes, this was as good as it can get, I know, but that does not make it any easier. death is never easy -even when its expected.

Monday was the funeral and over 500 people showed up to pay their respects and offer their support. It was a mild day for January and that made things a bit easier somehow.

and now its Wednesday night and i'm still exhausted, reeling from what it means to be a priest and realizing again the weight of my work. but, at least i'm not a nurse -i think that must be one of the hardest jobs on earth.

2011-01-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

a picture of my mom and older brother. I've never seen a picture of her with her hair pulled back. i've never seen a picture of her where I can see both myself and my sister so clearly. smile.

finally....

2011-01-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

....a Canadian 'made' the website. It was just a matter of time.

http://badvestments.blogspot.com/2011/01/you-know-how-some-people-are-scared-of.html

first week, sort of.

2011-01-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

Turns out Elliot wasn't aware that I was leaving for work and reacting with grief when he threw up on Tuesday. nope. he had the stomach flu. I know this because Wednesday morning I woke up with it -brutal- I was in bed all day and thank God Scott was home because I couldn't have lifted Elliot to save my life. So, no work on Wednesday. Scott made it through the day but minutes after putting Elliot to sleep he started to feel sick and by midnight I was starting to feel a bit better but he was in full flu delirium. So, no work Thursday because I needed to stay home with Elliot since Scott was now the one who couldn't pick him up with any safety. Again thankfully, this morning Scott felt at least strong enough to keep Elliot with him because otherwise I was going to have to take him to the office with me and I knew I would not accomplish anything. Scott wasn't really feeling great though and this led to my first, and what I am sure will be often, fit of tears over leaving when I felt like I should really be home but needing to go to work because I needed to be there too.
And so, I went into work today, basically, for the first time all week since Monday was a stat and Tuesday I had a meeting out of town. This means its Friday and everyone who has been waiting 8 months to contact me was chomping at the bit. wowzers. I returned as many calls as possible, made a few promises for meetings next week, tried to set up my office, didn't go to the hospital and didn't write a sermon.
I should be writing a sermon now so that tomorrow I could just enjoy the snowstorm that is on its way but i'm not. I knew last week when I said to Scott "at least now i'll be able to write and study during office hours" I was tempting fate but oh well. tomorrow it will get written because Sunday will come whether I'm ready or not.

First Day Back

2011-01-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

Elliot threw-up, for the first time in his life, 15 minutes before I was going to walk out the door this morning. He threw up again when I was an hour out of town at a meeting and had other 'issues' after I got home tonight. I suppose he wanted to let me know this is what it means to be a working mother. sigh.
He's asleep now and seems okay although he didn't eat much dinner (who can blame the little guy). I don't know what hit him, but I'm monitoring him and hoping whatever this is doesn't get worse in the night.

2010: wonderful.

2011-01-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to think about what to say about 2010 but I've been having trouble. How do I put into words how transformed I've been by Elliot. Everything in my life changed the day he was born, I went from busily filling my days with work and whatever else to spending most days just walking to the store with Elliot in his wrap, or sitting in the backyard with him laying on a blanket and I wouldn't have changed a single day. I cannot describe how much I love being Elliot's mom. I knew I would, but never could I have imagined how much. I have jealously held onto every single day. The advice, 'don't wish him older' never meant much to me. I have simply lived in every stage of his development, marveling at how incredible it all has been. His first smile, the changing colour of his eyes, holding his head up, sleeping, napping, giggling, sitting and now eating and crawling. Every stage has amazed me and made me fall even more in love with him. There is a kindness in his soul that I am privileged to see. and an energy, and sense of humour developing. And so I haven't had much time for anything else, and I haven't missed it.
Scott and I have moved out of the city and into a small town, but that will be next year's story. So will juggling work and motherhood. but this year, this year, was all about Elliot. and it was wonderful. I am thankful for 2010.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

Elliot opening his stocking with his swollen little teething cheeks

scotty and elliot at the boxing day extravaganza

a week before christmas in the sweater from grandma and grandpa meek

Elliot is 7.5 months old and I am back to work -WHAT?!

2010-12-29T14:01:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe but every Sunday when Elliot goes to church and is placed beside Henry, who is 3 weeks old, I am reminded that he is no longer a new born teeny tiny baby. He is HUGE. i don't know how tall or heavy anymore but he is certainly no fragile little nuzzling baby. Not only this he is creeping around on his belly, crawling backwards and very very close to crawling forward (he gets his bum up in the air and then moves it back and forwards but doesn't move his arms or legs -yet- its very cute.)he can say mamamamam, dadadadad, babababababa, veeeveee, he wakes up every morning and makes a tsktsk noise (it would seem he is making sure he still knows how to do it), he roles over, LOVES Thomas and makes heroic, but slow, attempts to catch him thus always being just out of reach of the elusive cat. He eats like a machine (last night was shepherds pie) and as of this morning has mastered the pincer move (my 5-6am was a painful hour since he wanted to perfect the pinching technique with me) and can now feed himself cheese. His laugh is incredible but his smile is even better. at least 5 times a day Scott and I just stop and look at each other and say, "elliot is so awesome/smart/great/perfect"
He is also, as I feared, starting to make strange just in time for me to leave for work. Originally I had hoped to stay home until he was 9 months old, being told that is an easier time to transition back to work than at the typical year, but the timing just didn't work out and so we decided that 7.5 months would be okay, not yet having received the trusty email from babycenter letting me know that this would be the start of realizing his independence and the fear that goes with it. Suddenly, if I am in sight Elliot is convinced he needs to be in my arms, 5 seconds ago. He is okay-ish if I am not around, but the moment I enter the room he goes crazy until he's back with me. its exhausting. and heartbreaking. I have been worrying about leaving Elliot since the day he was born and wishing somehow I could stay with him forever but knowing it wouldn't be possible. Now as the day gets closer I have a feeling I will be in just as many tears walking out the door as he will be staying home. It will be tough. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to be at this new church with this congregation -they are great- but i would be lying to say I am not torn and wishing i could somehow do both without missing any part of the other....
The next few months are going to be absolutely crazy for us as I transition back into full time work and learn what it means to be the priest in charge of a parish as well as a mom and as Scott attempts to finish his dissertation by working on it nights and watching Elliot during the day. The plan right now is we will eat the earlybird supper together at 5 and then I will take care of Elliot until bedtime and Scott will leave and work and we will meet back up at 9:30 to check in with each other for a few minutes before crashing. I just keep reminding myself it is not forever. Hopefully by spring the end will be in sight.

inspiration

2010-12-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

Just stopping in to say i'm still here but whenever i get the chance to write i just don't feel like writing. meh.
Life is good. We are adjusting to our new town and Elliot is getting cuter and better by the day (he is a seriously awesome baby if you haven't met him yet.)
I've started preaching/celebrating on Sundays and while that is all i'm officially up to, as the life of a priest goes, a parishioner is dying and so i've been spending a bit of time up at the hospital as well and preparing myself for the phone call that will let me know a funeral needs to be arranged. This point actually deserves its own post so i'm not going to go into details but its very crazy to me that I am now the person people call for emergencies.

A couple of weeks ago we had the town tree lighting and midnight madness event and i felt like I was on gilmore girls. The whole town showed up for the official lighting of the tree and the fireworks show. it was awesome. the mayor stood on the steps and said, "let there be light" and turned on the tree. and everyone clapped. and then we walked to the train tracks and ooed and awed at fireworks. It was fun!
Apparently the next big event is the 'holiday train'. Have you heard of this? there is a train that goes across the country, stopping in small towns along the way, swinging open the doors and putting on a holiday show! AWESOME! i don't know who the big act is, but i will let you know! :)

If I am to be honest I am having some anxiety about leaving Elliot in January and so I am savoring every day I have with him at home. I am so glad that we are in a small town though because at least I know I can walk home in 3 minutes and can come home if I need to without any ceremony.

I will give a better update soon, but for now thanks for stopping in. The christmas baking is almost done and so my evening energy can soon be diverted back to the blogosphere.

xo
Alex

sniffles, planes and dogs

2010-10-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Ontario this week and after a very fun weekend that included my niece's 5th birthday party at a farm (that, as a creepy side note reminded me of Babylon on Carnivale) and some bluegrass brunch on Sunday I'm in Oshawa visiting my parents getting ready for a bachelorette tonight and a wedding on Saturday. I've planned a bit more slow time into this trip and so far it has felt a whole lot more manageable and Elliot was doing a lot better but then last night when I put him to bed he started waking up crying alot and was stuffed up. I was convinced he had picked up a cold on the plane because when we visited in August the exact same thing happened a few days into our trip but then suddenly i started to think maybe its not the plane, maybe its the places we go. I'm not sure how long it takes for a cold to develop (do you?) but it seems just too unlucky for a healthy kid like elliot, who except for the cold he got last time hasn't even been remotely sick yet, to pick up almost the exact same symptoms again this trip -unless its not a cold and is actually allergies -to dog.
I'm devasssstated if its dog allergies. I already have the golden retriever named honey that i am going to buy elliot on his 5th birthday picked out in my head. she is a beautiful dog and she and elliot are the best of friends. if he's allergic i will be so sad. All i know is that right now he is congested but seems pretty content otherwise and the sniffles didn't start till we got to my parents house. last time they started when we visited someone else with a dog and for the rest of the trip we were staying with people who had dogs so i just assumed it was a cold.
any thoughts? he hasn't shown any signs of being allergic to thomas the cat and our pediatrician uses hand quotation marks when he talks about "allergies" so before i go to him for a test i need to do some research or he will just write me off as a crazy overbearing white woman.

and these are the words she spoke

2010-10-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

We're moving (well, as soon as we sell our house we are moving)! Its been announced - I have been appointed rector of St. Mary's Ponoka and we're really excited :) . I put my name in for this position over the summer and interviewed a couple of weeks ago. To be honest, when I first heard that this church was going to be hiring I sort of thought if I put my name in it would be a done deal but there were actually quite a few applications for the job and so all of September was filled with wondering where we were going to go and what we were going to do. The interview, however, went really well and both Scott and I and the committee felt that we were meant to be at St. Mary's. And so, the house is on the market and we are keeping our eyes on a few places in Ponoka that we'd like to rent. Ponoka is a town of about 5000 people an hour south of Edmonton. Neither Scott or I have ever lived in a town this small before and I have never been in a 'rural church ministry' situation so both are going to be a big adjustment but i'm looking forward to the adventure. Terrified, but I'm actually thinking that a small town might be a good change for us. I'm not a fan of suburbia and i'm interested to see if small town life might be for us.
and so, in honour of the new gig, i've been listening to some John Prine

Blow up your T.V. throw away your paper

Go to the country, build you a home

Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches

Try an find Jesus on your own

buyer's remorse

2010-10-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was the worst version of myself, wasting an entire day pushing my baby store to store shopping. Yesterday I let the monster vanity get the best of me and all the insecurity of being 20 lbs heavier than I need to be to fit back into my clothes. I gained 60 lbs with this pregnancy (not advised) and while 40 lbs have gone I'm still carrying an extra 20 lbs. and its all on my waist. I don't fit any of my pants and none of my shirts fit because of my mega mommy boobs. Most days I am okay with this reality but I definitely thought that by now I would have been back to my old body and I simply am not. so, I gave up and went shopping, sick of wearing the same clothes day after day and having a big pity party for myself feeling destined never to lose weight. I went to a bunch of stores, hating everything I saw, trying on clothes, angry that I was giving in but not wanting to wear the same old clothes any longer. I couldn't find anything I liked but instead of just going home like I should have I started going in stores that Scott and I have decided not to buy from anymore out of complete desperation. ug. By the middle of the afternoon Elliot was crying and I was still trying to find something to buy, ignoring the clear signs that he needed to be at home having a nap in my arms. Finally I smartened up and stopped but not when I should have, not when Elliot needed me to. boo hiss. lesson learned. i hope. I hate when I let that side of me take control, its so gross. I need to lose this weight for health reasons, and so that my back will stop aching, but I do not need to be obsessed about it, or about clothes.

Seriously, with a baby as cute as this, who can worry about clothes and belly weight for too long?

Elliot is 5 months old tomorrow and is ready for the new season thanks to godfather Jeff. go oilers.

First Meal = True Love

2010-09-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

mothering

2010-09-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Before Elliot was born Scott and I didn't read any parenting books and we didn't really have a theory set out for how we wanted to parent, we just sort of figured we would figure it out. We watched friends and family with new babies and children and talked about what we liked and didn't like in various approaches. We concluded that probably, by not choosing one theory and sticking to it, we would end up with a crazy overindulged child but we simply weren't convinced that what we needed to do was read more or have the added pressure of a system to work within. 4 months in I can't tell you whether or not we should have picked a theory and stuck to it with any real conviction because while there are days I wish I had a system to rely on there are other days when I know that we're doing okay on our own. What I can tell you is that being Elliot's mother is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me and that I love every minute with him. I can also tell you that I know my son. I know every look on his face, every lilt in his voice, I know when he is about to have a meltdown even when he seems fine and I know when he is happy or tired or overtired. And while I know very well that I am not the first woman to be a mother and that I am new to the job and do need advice and help, I AM the only woman to be Elliot's mother and so I take advice with some resistance because no one else knows my child like I know him. That sounds a bit more harsh than I really want it to, but it is hard sometimes to deal with the pressure of every single person's opinion on naps and teething and clothing and diapers. Its tough hearing the tone in other women's voices when I say that Elliot is tired and needs a nap when they think he is just fine. Its annoying trying to convince someone that his legs are okay in his carrier and that he prefers it by 100 percent to his stroller. It is nearly impossible for me to bite my tongue when someone tells me he is 'just talking away' when i know that he has changed from talking to getting upset and they can't hear it but think I'm being over the top. It is hard.

But here's the deal, at the end of the day I don't really care because they don't know Elliot and I do. so there.

Here are some of things that you might like to know about him, or that I would like to look back on and remember. At 4 months old Elliot:

-loves attention and smiles and coos when anyone looks at him.

-is especially happy in the morning

-prefers to be held than put in his stroller

-needs to go to sleep between 7 and 7:30 and can no longer fall asleep easily if we're not at home because he is too distracted by all that is new around him.

-has learned to giggle, although he has only done it a few times so far

-can role over from his back to his stomach but not the other way.

-recognizes his toys and chair and soother as his own and reaches for them all the time

-wants to put everything in his mouth

-will pull my face towards him and give me either a kiss or a zerbert -i'm not really sure what he's trying to do, but its definitely something.

-knows when I have left the house and, unless its in the morning, will scream till I get home.

-has definite opinions about his books. He will not let us read to him from paper books, they have to be board books or he will scream. He likes to try to turn the pages now and he pays really close attention when we read to him. He also has strong opinions about who is reading to him and really prefers that story time is with either scott or I (i'm not sure why, its just the way it is)

-Is learning to fall asleep in his crib

-has started waking up again throughout the night (oy.)

-does not have a daytime nap routine.

-is the happiest and most content baby ever.

-is 17lbs 4 ounces and 26 inches long as of 2 days ago.

sleep: a confession.

2010-09-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

Elliot isn't back to sleeping through the night but that isn't what this post is about (and we all sign with relief). This is a much more embarrassing post but, because i am totally consumed by the ordeal, i need to write about it.

Scott is away this weekend at a conference and this is the first time i've been home alone since Elliot was born. The problem is that i am a total and complete freak about staying alone in our house. its too big: there are too many closets and a basement and a big field out back. Usually when I am alone here over night (so shamefaced) i go to my bedroom, lock the door, check the closet and under the bed (!) to make sure no one is hiding there and go to sleep with the light on. every time i swear i won't, but i do. i'm embarrassed as i do it but can't stop myself. i have this complete fear that somehow, at some point in the day, some crazy has found out i'm alone in the house and has broken in and is hiding under my bed waiting for me to fall asleep. its ridiculous, i know, and a problem that clearly needs to be dealt with since my son sleeps down the hall and i cannot allow my paranoia ocd to ruin what little progress we may be making with him in the sleep department by moving him into my room for the weekend. and so this weekend i have to somehow stop my compulsive behaviour and leave my bedroom door open while i sleep. i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. and maybe barf.

sleep and giggles

2010-09-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

I have always needed a lot of sleep to be a decent person during the day. no sleep = cranky, crying, mess. I knew this about myself before we decided to get pregnant and hoped that it would change once elliot arrived. turns out, i still need sleep.

Before we left for our whirlwind holidays elliot was sleeping between 10 and 11 hours a night. when we were on vancouver island he started sleeping 12 hours a night and kept that up when we got home and for most of the time in ontario, except for the nights he was feeling sick. and then we got home for the second time and his sleep patterns have been deteriorating ever since. at first it was a sudden 4 am wake up. then it was 2 and 4. and then it was 11, 2 and 4. I haven't been waking up that many times a night with him since about week 6 and my body is just not used to it. at first i was blaming jet lag. then i thought it might be teeth. and then possibly a slight cold. and then, and then, and then. give me 5 minutes and i can have 5 possible reasons why elliot is suddenly not sleeping. what i think now, based on emails from some friends, is that sleeping habits just change around 4 months and that's that.

it wouldn't be a huge problem except 2 nights ago he woke up multiple times before i went to bed and then hourly from 11-2. mix this in with a way too creepy episode of Carnivale that gave me some serious nightmares, a way too hot duvet and this weird indigestion i've been getting for the past couple of weeks when i eat fast food and after the last feeding i could not fall back to sleep. I watched tv from 2-6, finally fell asleep at 6:30 and was awakened by the elliot at 7am. thankgoodness it was a Saturday and that Scott was home. he sent me back to bed where I had a 3 hour nap that helped me get through the day (minimizing the meltdowns at least and having enough sense to cancel our first playdate for elliot) until elliot finally went back to bed. it was definitely the hardest day we have had since becoming parents and i most certainly cried multiple times. but here is the wonderful part of being a mom. right near the end of the day i was holding elliot and decided to bicep curl him and zerbert his stomach. he clearly loved it so i did it a few more times and then he giggled. and then he giggled again. it was amazing! he has yet to repeat this new skill -and i think he partly did it out of his own sheer exhaustion-but it was exactly what i needed to finish the day.

we've been trying to follow the no cry sleep solutions and on Saturday i wanted to kill the woman for her smug little book about naps and sleep cycles -but tonight elliot fell asleep in his crib without a soother (instead of in my arms with a soother) so maybe she's on to something. I'm not convinced he's going to sleep through the night or anything, but if bedtime could be a bit easier that is definitely a step in the right direction. as for her 2 hour nap suggestion i just have to deal with the reality that right now elliot will have nothing to do with such things.

now, i'm off to bed myself. sweet dreams.

2010-09-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

about to fall in love with speed boats."auntie alex, can I hold baby elliot?"
Uncle Greg and Elliot.
Ours mon ami.

2010-09-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

Parry Sound. Lake and trees. big sigh.beautiful nieces
me and the elliot out for a boat ride. he loved it.
Grandpa Meek. isn't my dad adorable?
The grandkids. This number was added to two days later when my brother Jeff and Trina had their baby girl.

August and everything after

2010-09-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

After a whirlwind August I am back home and in recovery mode. During the first week of August we traveled out to Vancouver Island with Scott's parents and visited with his grandparents. We had the great luck of being on the Island at the same time as Andrew and Cara and met up with them for some well overdue visiting. On our way home we stopped and visited with some other old friends in Vernon and Calgary and although the trip was exhausting (travelling with a baby and in-laws in theory is very different than reality) it was great. The island is this other world that I am not even really sure what to do with. anyways, I was only home long enough to do some laundry and recover a bit before Elliot and I took off for the most ridiculous tour of Ontario ever. It was soo good to be home and to be with family and friends but I will never make that schedule for myself again. Every day until the weekend I was driving at least an hour with the Elliot to get somewhere, trying to make sure everyone had the chance to meet the little boy. It was tiring. Elliot picked up a cold on the plane (i think he picked up another one on the way home too-today will tell) and although he was still an angel by all accounts he just wasn't himself.

now i'm home and trying to get my perfect sleeper back on mountain time. I'm also currently avoiding the very real need to clean my house and to talk to a realestate agent because although we have no idea what is ahead in the next few months, it looks like a move will be inevitable (sorry to be so cryptic but all will be revealed soon. i hope.).

In the past month Elliot has grown so much. He now has perfect control of his head, he can squeal (although still no real giggles), and as of yesterday he cuddles a teddy bear. he is the best!

pictures to come

I'm in the process of writing an article on thanksgiving.

2010-08-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'll be on that southbound train

2010-08-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

we are out of here. adios mosquitoes.

For the next 10 days we will be on vancouver island where I will shamelessly try to stalk joni mitchell and possibly elvis costello, knit while grandma holds elliot, play in the ocean and have a glorious time.

then i'm back in the city for 1 week.

and then...

I AM GOING HOME!

that's right. home. to be clear i mean toronto and everything within a 2 hour radius of the city.

i can almost smell the smog and hear the traffic. be still my heart. I can taste the sushi and the beer. I can see the water. sadly, i don't think i can hear the music (ironically, the fhb are leading a bluegrass workshop at an anglican retreat centre in bc while i am in ontario -boo!)

get ready ontar-ri-ari-ari-o, Elliot and I are on our way!

if you're in toronto, let's hang out.

10 weeks 3 days

2010-07-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

I call this one milk drunk
so handsome

I'm not good at the take a picture on his birthday thing -somehow my organizational skills fail me when it comes to remembering dates. So, here is an update for Elliot at 10 weeks (chances are I will miss the 12 week milestone):

Right now he can smile, and does all the time (especially in the mornings) He can't giggle yet but clearly wants to -sometimes he will smile so big and let out a squeal that was his attempt at a giggle
this past week he has slept through the night, typically sleeping from 10-6. I figured out if we keep him up, or wake him up, after 10 he is overtired and getting him back to sleep is a nightmare.
we have no daily schedule. he eats every two or three hours and naps as he chooses in between those times. Typically I hold him during naps because he sleeps so long in his crib at night that I want to give him some extra contact time while I can.
He can sort of sit in his bumbo but I'm starting to wonder if he is actually a bit too tall for it to work the magic of the extra neck support ...i'll give it another couple of weeks to see what happens. right now when I put him in he leans pretty heavily to the right.
He makes all kinds of noises and is communicating with his eyes too- its incredible to watch the emotions he can show just through different looks.
He is not a fan of tummy time.
on a related note, we are fighting a 'clear preference' of sleeping on the right side of his head -yep, its a bit flat -somehow i knew this was going to happen....anyways, as much as I can now I hold him on the other side during the day and turn his head when I notice he's slipped back onto the right side of his head in the night.
He is definitely most comfortable in my arms and then in Scott's. Grandma is a close third.
He will take a soother, and it really helps him fall asleep, but he wants to suck his thumb and as soon as it starts to provide any real comfort I can tell the soother will be a thing of the past.
He is 25 inches long and, as of last wednesday, 14 lbs 6 ounces. -this, i guess, translates that he is in the 90th percentile for height and 75th percentile for weight. When I hold him his legs flop out of the end of my arms.
He fits most of his 3-6 month clothing in length but doesn't fill them all out. As I write I am washing his medium size fuzzi buns so that they will be ready for wear sometime in the next couple of weeks.
He loves his change table and will 'talk' with me while he lies there for nearly a half an hour
He can put some weight on his legs and likes to stand on my lap for a few minutes at a time
He likes to sit up more and watch what is going on.
Today, for the first time, he completely engaged while I read him Brown Bear. it was so great! he smiled every time i started reading on a new page.
He is a really really happy and content boy for the most part. from 5 -7 pm though can be scary if he wants it to be.
He is drooling a lot but rarely spits up. I'm not sure if the drool is related to teething or not (crazy!)
He has a toy frog that is in swim wear and he LOVES it. its adorable.

I don't complain about taxes

2010-07-24T19:21:00.001-07:00

I don't. I like that I can call a hotline with qualified nurses on the other end of the phone every other day with menial questions of concern about my baby (and even call multiple times with the same question if I'm not convinced by the first nurse's response) for free. I like that I didn't have to think twice about going to the emergency room while I was carrying Elliot. I am happy to wait a week or two for a non-emergency ultrasound that I don't have to pay for. I love that my hospital bill -for a 4 day stay, surgery, private room and unlimited pain medication was 32 dollars (and only because I chose a private room - I did have extra health benefits and so without them I would have paid 75 dollars, or thereabouts, for my 4 day stint. -it would have been free if I stayed in the 4 person room). I prefer to deal with standardized fees and regulations about my car. I miss the LCBO (liquor prices out here totally confuse me). I like that I pay school taxes so that kids will get a good education and I'm happy that teachers are paid well. I would pay more taxes so that higher education could cost less or be free. I would pay more taxes so that the city would plow the damn roads in the winter.

If Scott and I ever do end up in the U S of A for a period of time I am going to have to seriously re-adjust my ways. specifically my trips to the hospital. and I love going to the hospital, I really, really do. It makes me feel safe knowing I can go to the hospital whenever I want without fear of losing my house over the trip.

2010-07-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

To follow up on the last post, I had a meeting this week with my bishop to discuss the future. It was a good meeting. She is very good (and quietly persuasive) in person and I left the office feeling relatively calm. There is a good chance we now know where we will be headed after my maternity leave, the question remains how long we will stay there. This relieves some areas of panic and uncertainty but those are quickly replaced with new questions (that I will post about later when things are a bit more certain). We'll figure it out, i'm sure, but for now Scott and I have a lot of late night conversations about what we are doing -a silly time to have conversations with a newborn.

A day in the life

2010-07-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned yet that when I went on mat leave I finished my curacy and time with my current congregation and that over the next few months have the task of submitting my name, interviewing and finding a new church? and the chances of us staying in the city are slim to none? and I don't know how long I will/practically can take for mat leave? yep. no pressure.

Have I also mentioned Scott is now officially ABD and hopes to be finished writing (not revising, but writing) by Christmas so that he can defend next spring and finish his phd and so we're starting to peruse job postings from here to Australia and wondering what the future will hold and when and where he should apply and what the chances of his finding a teaching job will be? again. no pressure.

Want to guess what we talk about endlessly? (Emily, Andrea -I'm looking at you :) -what is the list I've seen come up more than once that seems strangely familiar - church, dissertation, money, sex, work?)

Sometimes, for fun, I go on the MLS and pick out homes for us in different towns and cities and pretend for a few hours that we actually know what we'll be doing and where we'll be going and when we'll be going there and doing that. but we don't. and this is extremely stressful for my INFJ/post pregnancy hormonal person.

Oh, on a totally different note, this past week I tuned into 'daily mass' on vision tv (that's right -me and all the other 90 year old shut-ins across the country) and guess who was celebrating? Gilles Mongeau! What are the chances that the first (and probably only) time I tune in to tv church I know the celebrant? ha!

a good friend

2010-07-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I got to spend a couple of hours with Jeamie and her beautiful baby girl Everett.It was super great. Jeamie and I met in college and bonded over a mutual love of naps and mcdonalds cheese burgers. And, I need to give her formal written credit for being completely responsible for setting up Scott and I. We would have never started dating if she had not spent months (MONTHS) setting us up. Anyways, today was just a great time catching up and talking babies and stretch marks....but the most wonderful part was when Jeamie told me she would watch Elliot so I could have a nap. Beautiful friend. Jeamie is a mother of 3 and is probably perpetually exhausted and yet she offered to let me go and sleep. I turned her down - we hadn't seen each other in over a year and I couldn't even guess when the last time we had a chance to talk on our own- but the offer was a sign of lasting friendship.

weird baby trick

2010-07-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

so, i would say that Elliot found his hands yesterday. its the milestone i've been waiting for over the last few days and wondering how i would know when it had happened. As it turns out, it was pretty easy to figure it out. all day yesterday he would stare at his hand and then try and shove it in his mouth. he was actually trying for his thumb and by last night he was very serious about the whole situation. In an attempt to suck his thumb he would pull out the soother, cry and try and jam his hand in his mouth over and over again until i could get the soother back in while i tried to distract him from his goal. This may sound a bit harsh and counter development of me, but everytime he actually found his thumb he would shove it so far in his mouth he would start to gag. Anyways, all my efforts were for nothing. this morning at 6 am, much to my dismay, i heard this little boy stirring and while i was going to ignore him and hope he would fall back to sleep (he wasn't actually crying, and I am quite sure he wasn't actually hungry because he had already had an extra night feeding at 3, for who knows what reason) I suddenly realized what he was doing. He was in his bassinet once again trying to shove his thumb in his mouth. and gaging. gross. I let him continue this process for a couple of minutes, hoping he would figure it out, but soon I couldn't handle it anymore and I got up and fed him, once again trying to distract him from his goal.

On and off today he has been trying out his thumb again and he is getting a bit better but i would really like it if this learning time didn't involve him nearly making himself puke.

most useless advice i received...

2010-07-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

sleep when baby sleeps. I heard it at least once a day and maybe for other babies this works but not for me and my little boy. impossible. im.poss.i. ble. This is how our days go: wakes up for awhile. eats and sleeps in my arms for 20 minutes, wakes up for 10 sleeps for 5 wakes up for 15 sleeps for 30 awake for an hour...or some variation of the sort. there is no chance for putting Elliot down and actually sleeping myself. it would be an exercise in futility. And while I shouldn't complain because most nights he sleeps pretty well and we are definitely ahead of the game in that area, some days i would really, really, really, love a nap and that advice just sits and taunts me.

and, now, I must be going because Elliot boy is waking up :) again.

When do days start to standardize? It seems everytime i mention the possibility of a pattern to Scott the next day is totally wonky.

okay, now he's really awake.

2010-07-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

This is Elliot looking sharp at 6.5 weeks. isn't he handsome?? :)

and this is a picture that Elliot and I took the other day before we left for a walk to the store. Little did I know this would be the last time he let me put him in his wrap in the newborn hold with his feet tucked in. He was completely happy in the wrap during this outing and I'm not sure what happened but 2 days later when I tried to put him back in he would have nothing to do with it. Usually the wrap stops all crying but this time he cried as if I had completely betrayed him. I tried again the next day to see if it had just been a fluke but again -tears of agony. I was heartbroken. I love putting him in his wrap and I thought this meant our days of walking and cuddling were done, at least until he is old enough to move to his next carrier. but yesterday I tried a new hold with his feet dangling and, what do you know-he's content again! Yay!!!

2010-06-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

The greatest thing about my birthday is that I share it with one of my best friends. Yesterday I turned 30 and Sherri turned 29. We've been friends since college and for most of that past decade we've often spent the day together. This year we were separated by too many provinces for my liking but today we had the chance to chat and we took the time to think about how different our birthdays have been over the years and how they are so emblematic of where we have been in life. For most of the past decade we have celebrated with a healthy amount of wine and a gathering of some friends but, for both of us, yesterday was really low key. Sherri had a quiet evening at home because her other was working out of town and I spent the day taking care of my new baby and then Scott took me to Dairy Queen for dinner and a blizzard. We chose Dairy Queen because, first of all, on my birthday I am allowed to eat a blizzard guilt free. but, more importantly this year, Dairy Queen was the closest fast food place to home so it provided us the luxury of being out of the house while having a fast dinner from where we could make a quick getaway if needed and it has a patio so we were able to sit outside and not worry if Elliot started flipping out.

I'm sure that next year I will want to paint the town or something but for this year staying in and spending the day with my family was perfect. It felt very 30ish of me.

2010-06-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

I had my 6 week check up today and for the first time in 7 months I've been cleared for all regular activity and lifting. Life, in all except the part where I now have a child, is getting back to normal. Slowly (SLOWLY) I'm returning to my regular size but I'm afraid that my stomach will always be tatooed with the last 9 months. and so, in honour of my newly decorated stomach, here is a post from shitmykidsruined that makes me laugh and cry at the same time:

http://shitmykidsruined.tumblr.com/post/517204749

but of course, Elliot is so sweet i don't even mind.

Happy 5 Weeks!

2010-06-18T08:56:00.001-07:00

cuddling with mama.

new sun hat and napping with daddy

nap time with my mj glove so i don't claw my eye out

learning how to smile. I know, I'm delicious!

a few pictures from the last week or so.

fastest 5 weeks of my life.

Exciting events from Elliot's life this week:

learning how to smile and gurgle and coo

more neck control

keeping his eyes open for more than a few minutes at a time during the day and sleeping pretty well at night.

the devastation!

2010-06-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

This morning while my sister and I were talking on the phone she asked me, "do you still have those days when Elliot cries and you don't know why?" and I said, "Not really. I've cut out drinking so much milk and that seems to have fixed the problem" (thank you, internet medical advice). Well, I would say if I have ever been jinxed, today was today the day. I swear, I hung up the phone and was getting ready to start our day (my 2 ambitious plans were to actually have a nap and to go for a good walk) when the crying started. my best guess is that this was probably about 9 am. The crying stopped tonight at 9:40. This poor child of mine has, it would seem, just the most excruciating gas pains in the entire world. And, sadly, he has been placed with a mother who is the worst 'burper' in existence. The combination of the day was, as a result, a continuous loop of crying that was only stopped by feeding (which probably made the gas worse but helped keep me sane just a little longer). I don't know what caused the terrible pain and tears today but I have a sneaking suspicion it was because I didn't drink nearly enough water yesterday and I think that messed up my milk. who knows. After supper I did place him in his Moby wrap (which if I hadn't had a c-section would get non-stop use because he instantly stops crying in it but because of the surgery I'm scared to use it too much) and that settled him for the duration of his walk but when we got home the crying started again and didn't stop till Scott finally thought of giving him a bath. that somehow that did the trick and finally we had our content little baby boy back. but not until too many tears had been shed by him (and me).

I think this could be deemed our hardest day yet. It is just devastating to me to hear Elliot cry and not be able to stop the tears. plus his little screams of pain nearly broke my heart. what. a. day. ug.

now its time to sleep. maybe a nap will be in my cards tomorrow.

one day, two day, three day old

2010-06-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking, "I should blog today" and then sometimes I even think of something to write. The problem, though, is that when I actually have two hands free for typing all of my great ideas have disappeared and my brain has turned to mush.

What I can tell you at this point is that Elliot is 3.5 weeks old, 11 lbs 10 ounces of sweetness, a good sleeper (once he even slept 5 hours straight), and the centre of my world. I am not sure how we have already almost reached 1 month old, or exactly how I spend my days, since most of the past month is a major blur but we have made a couple of short outings together and I have even left the house a couple of times for a few minutes on my own.

Until I can think a bit more clearly, here are a few pictures to let you know we're still here.

I believe in one, holy, catholic and apostolic church

2010-06-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

Last week we had Elliot circumcised*, and in so doing placed under the law.

Elliot felt like this was too much to bear and so on Sunday he was baptized into the new covenant. he is much more comfortable with this arrangement.

(if you can get a look at his gown it was handmade by a woman in our church and it is absolutely beautiful.)

*so, turns out that making the decision to circumcise or not is not an easy one to make. In the end we, obviously, decided that we would have Elliot circumcised and I think this was the right decision but the whole time we were at the doctor's office I was half expecting someone from the W5 to jump out and expose us for abusing our child or something. stressful.

Sunday Morning Conversation....

2010-06-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

This is the type of gem of a conversation you get when all the kids in the church know you...

Andrew: What are you doing?

Me: Feeding the baby

Andrew: Is he drinking milk from your boobie?

Me: Yep.

Andrew: Why?

Me: that's how babies eat

Andrew: What's this? (pointing to the poncho i've put on) is that to cover your boob while he eats?

Me: Yep

Andrew:cause you don't want everyone to see your boob?

Me: that's right.

Andrew: can I see?

Me: Nope

Andrew: Why not? can I look at your boob?

Me: Nope

Andrew: aww, c'mon. I'll show you my boob.

Me: Sorry Andrew, not going to happen.

Luckily I had the chance to let his mom know about this conversation before he went home and told her how he had a conversation about boobs with the lady with the baby....yikers.

May I Introduce Elliot Nicholas...

2010-05-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Born May 14th, 2010. 10 lbs 6 ounces of wonderfulness.

After 1 week and 2 days at home I thought it was time to check in. I have actually been thinking about posting for a few days now but actually taking my camera off of the counter and uploading pictures took more energy and focus than I was able to muster.

After a week this is what I can say:

Scott and I are completely in love with Elliot. totally completely.

I am amazed that we actually have a living, breathing, beautiful child. Most days I still can't really grasp what this means.

I am shocked by the constancy of this new gig. I mean, I knew that I had to feed and change diapers and watch this baby around the clock but actually doing it takes alot more than I expected.

I love being a mama and I love my family. Elliot is helping me put alot from the past year into perspective, for which I am grateful. My priorities are Scotty and Elliot and our family (ies) and this makes me happy and this is where my energy is going to be focused.

All in all I would say we're adjusting well. Tired- of course. Overwhelmed -definitely. Happy -Yes! The hardest part of the last little bit has been getting the knack of feeding but a public health nurse came over a few days ago to help with things and since then life has been much less painful for me and Elliot is eating much better.

I'm recovering well from the surgery but am looking forward to being more fully recovered. One thing I didn't really know about c-sections is that it will take longer for my tummy to go back to normal -ish (it will never be the same again, I am well aware) and I still need to be pretty careful not to tear my incision.

Scott has been an incredible dad and, as always, a wonderful husband who has been taking care of me and Elliot.

I think that's it for now. We're happy and healthy and just trying to figure out what we're doing:)

Tomorrow

2010-05-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

is the day. unless i go into labour in the next 12 hours on my own, in which case tomorrow may still be the day but the way this all goes down could be very different. But what I'm mentally prepared for is a c-section and at this point I'm just hoping that all goes as planned. I don't need any more surprises.

It is time for this baby to come out -there simply is no more room. I've been having a few of those back-spasm type contractions today and then a few of the flash headaches all on their own (the headaches come when I lie down on my side, seem weird? seems weird to me) and I think the baby just has no room to move and is encroaching on the space reserved for my spine.

The c-section is scheduled for 11 am and I'll be in the hospital until Monday so I probably won't post pictures till then, although I may get Scott to throw one or two up on facebook for me.

I'm feeling pretty good about everything today. last night i was extremely nervous about all of it but today is better. My only slight concern at this point, when I'm able to be rational and remember this is routine, routine, routine, is that on my last ultrasound there was some fluid in the baby's kidneys. My doctor doesn't think this is anything but she has said that we'll check it soon after the birth. calm, calm. calm.

Have I mentioned I've never had surgery of any kind before? serenity now.

Anyways, all that to say this is the final pre-baby blog. very exciting! A giant thanks to all for the kind words and encouragement over the last few months -I can't believe we've finally reached the day!

contractions?

2010-05-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

What do contractions feel like? Is it possible to only feel my contractions in my back or is that just the baby sitting on my spinal cord?

I've had these weird radiating back twinges for a few weeks and last night had a couple of really painful ones but am not sure if they're contractions or not..

Dear baby: PLEASE come out today!!

2010-05-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

I want this baby to be born more than anything right now but I have to admit that if he/she isn't shackled to an "oh, you were born on mother's day- how wonderful, you must really love your mother" complex i wouldn't be too upset.

I have feelings about mother's day. Pretty strong ones in fact. Ones that I try to keep under control so as not to ruin the day for lovely women who mean no harm (and cause no harm) by accepting a lunch made by their families because they love them and appreciate them. Sincerely, I do not begrudge those women this day -which is why I spent the afternoon with my mother-in-law quietly keeping my opinion to myself (she doesn't know this blog exists): because she is a good woman. And, of the mamas I know who read this blog I feel the same way: if ever we spend a mother's day together I would buy you flowers and give you a hug and wish you all the best. you are good women who love your children.

My problem though is that mother's day is not contained to this type of expression. Mother's day has become one of the most holy days of the year and if you dare suggest dialing back some of the hysteria, or, for the priests in the crowd, not allude to it in your sermon, or forget the day and miss sending a card (gulp) -well i'm not sure if even God can help you anymore: the wrath of all will fall upon you.

Why do I feel this way you ask? Well without getting too personal on here (because its not even necessary) here are some of my reasons:

1. to start, mother's day and father's day are never treated equally. This may seem like a trivial point but it pisses me off. Mother's are treated like goddesses every May without restriction or qualification while there is this cultural joy in making fun of men and making comments about how they are inept around the house or with kids. And then we (the collective) can't understand why these same men take no interest in their homes or their children. hmmm...What would happen if we actually celebrated the good, strong men who are wonderful fathers the way we insist on celebrating every woman who has ever conceived a child? If "we" insist on creating a cult around mother's day than father's day deserves more than a card with a fart joke and burgers. just sayin'

My father raised the four of us on his own for 5 years (the youngest being 2 the oldest 12 at the start) before remarrying after my mother's death and I just thank God he never bought into the stereotype that men aren't capable of caring for their children. and he's not the only man alive who lives this way for his family.

2. Along the same line -Rarely, if ever, on mother's day is there care given to consider those who may have been abused by their mothers. or abandoned. or whatever else. but on father's day this type of tiptoeing is everywhere. So fine, celebrate good mothers but acknowledge that there are those who have been deeply wounded by women as well and that women can and have abused and hurt their children. or else don't do it on father's day.

3. The lack of compassion on mother's day for women who:

a. wanted children but were never able to have any for whatever reason

b. are trying to conceive but can't and are living in the fear and confusion

c. have had children who have died

d. are single and aren't interested in children but who are made to feel like lesser women because of that choice,

is astounding.

I cannot count the amount of times in previous years I have been accosted by 'well meaning' people on mother's day and asked when Scott and I were going to have children. some of the responses to that always inappropriate question that I fantasize giving include: "None of your damn business" or "we have watched your children and decided never to procreate as a result" or "thank you for bringing it up. I've miscarried 3 times this year already but you asking me that makes me feel a hell of a lot better".

WHAT ARE PEOPLE THINKING WHEN THEY ASK THAT QUESTION????? My heart bleeds for women who have to deal with theses comments year after year after year and who politely laugh off the conversation while being deeply hurt and rightly offended.

One of my favourite women is 50 and single. She was married once when she was quite young and divorced and then was in a serious relationship for over a decade with someone else. Neither relationship involved the birth of a child. I know she would love to have had a child but life didn't work out that way for her. Last year on mother's day I heard someone close to her say something about how she would never be a mother now because she was too old AND LAUGH. He was making a 'joke'. I wanted to puke. I couldn't imagine how that comment made her feel.

the pressure that surrounds mother's day is just too much for me and it makes me really uncomfortable. I realize that many of my opinions around this day have resulted from how I have seen this hallmark day celebrated within the church, and here i believe lies the real problem. Mother's day isn't a holy day. Its not. It doesn't deserve to trump the liturgical season or the readings for the day. but so often it does. Sermons are twisted and manipulated so that they include some lovely moral teaching about how mothers are sacrificial or wonderful just so people can go to their brunch afterwards feeling good about themselves and so the priest can go home and not be attacked or gossiped about by a throng of angry women (revealing all of the beautiful qualities of women celebrated on this day) from the women's guild appalled by his or her lack of consideration.... barf.

Mother's day has made its way into the church. i know it can't really be avoided but i will do my best in future years to curb the cult-like infection of the day within the service. As for this year, Scott and I skipped church this morning because I just could not handle the thought of having to deal with it. And, while we're at it, and i'm on mat leave and have the luxury of missing a service here and there, I imagine there will something to keep me away on Canada Day and Remembrance Day too... just to keep the barfing in church under control.

still...

2010-05-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

So, the results from the ultrasound on Thursday gave us the following information:

1. The baby was measuring so large that the tech had to adjust the machine just so that it would work (it stops measuring babies if they seem like they are bigger than 41 or 42 weeks).

2. because of the dial back, the tech told me that conservatively the baby weighs 9 lbs 11ounces.

3. he/she has chubby cheeks :)

4. my cervix has shortened.

With this information in hand we called the doctor on Friday morning to see if she thought I would go into labour over the weekend. Originally the plan for the weekend, besides our due date, included Scott flying to Toronto last night, presenting a paper Saturday morning at a conference and flying home Saturday after dinner. It was 20 hour trip and I promised to put myself on bedrest until he got home to try to avoid going into labour without him but obviously he didn't want to go if he was going to miss the birth and so we called to get the doctor's opinion on what was happening.

She didn't recommend leaving the province. "a lot can happen in 20 hours"

Now, before I go any further I would like to be very clear (because I'm sick of stupid comments implying that Scott planned this trip without any consideration of me -comments that make me think they have never actually met Scott before.): I really wanted Scott to be able to go to this conference. He hasn't had the opportunity to present a paper in this type of setting before, the conference was on the perfect topic for him (rare indeed), and, on top of it all, the paper he was going to present is really really great (he is a smarty pants). Plus Scott is always so supportive of me and my work I wanted him to be able to go and be with other students again and talk theology and visit with friends. And seriously, what baby actually shows up on their due date??? So, all that said -since day 1 (I think we found out about the conference and that we were pregnant on almost the same day -seriously) I have told him to go and not to worry.

But when the doctor said that even though she couldn't say anything positively she thought I might go into labour this weekend Scott cancelled his trip immediately so that he would be here with me and our baby. I am married to a good good man.

and so now we wait.

Yesterday we went for a long walk and then for a spicy dinner. nothing.

Today I'm thinking another walk is going to be in order and then we have a family anniversary party that we really should go to if we can. I'm not so big on crowds right now but there will be 2 obgyns at this party so that is a bit reassuring....although one is Scott's best friend and if we wish to remain friends he can never, ever, ever EVER actually be my doctor. that is just too close.

Anyways, if the baby doesn't arrive this weekend as predicted my doctor has said we will need to schedule a c-section for next week. Actually, even if I do go into labour this weekend I still may end up with a c-section simply because of the size of the baby already. I'm okay with this decision -at no point has this doctor given me the impression that she is one of 'those' who is driving up the number of surgeries just for the fun of it. I'm quite sure that if this ends with surgery its because its necessary.

wish me luck!

nothing new

2010-05-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

no baby yet. went to the doctor yesterday and now I'm not even sure if she is still planning on bringing this pregnancy to a close by my due date or not. She seemed encouraged when she found out my sister was able to deliver my niece, who weighed in at 9 lbs 5 ounces at birth, naturally.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow and she did say she hoped she would see the results on Friday and would phone if there was an emergency -but then she also had me book my regular weekly appointment for next week so who knows.

As of today though, nothing to report.

house-wifing

2010-04-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my first real day at home since officially starting mat leave and I had a great day slowly and quietly cleaning, figuring out how to make a meal without groceries in the house and making a list of what else needs to be done over the next few days before baby. It was awesome.

I ended up making a roast (!) with carrots and onions and when scott got home from work I quickly ran to the store for potatoes and, all in all, dinner was pretty good. I felt very wifey.

This morning, again with the no groceries situation in mind (we are going grocery shopping tonight but just haven't had time yet this week), I made pancakes and eggs for breakie (its amazing what you can make with random ingredients when you have more than 5 minutes to think about it) and then I had a cup of tea while watching food shows and contemplating actually learning how to cook this year. Then I went out into the yard and spent a few minutes (not many because bending is obviously not great right now) starting to get the lawn ready for us to seed it this weekend.

This housewife stuff is pretty fun but I have to admit without a baby I think I would quickly go crazy because I'm not sure how a person fills more than a couple of weeks with organizing and cleaning -eventually the house would be as clean as it could be, right?

With a baby, however, I think the next few months are going to be incredible and I am going to love being home with my family. love.

Maternity Leave

2010-04-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

Made it. Finished both services without any embarrassing pregnancy related issue and now I am officially on maternity leave. well, actually I'm on my stored vacation time but the one will flow into the other...

officially 2 weeks to go and I have zero responsibilities in the meantime.

I'm going to take a nap.

I'll let you know when the baby is on his/her way.

2010-04-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

Pretty sure that once I finish the sermon I'm working on I will go into labour....but not until its all written. bah.

actually, I'm starting to doubt my early labour hopes. I know there is really no way to tell but I'm beginning to think this baby is going to wait me out.

And, in one final 'this pregnancy could not have gone as expected' twist, it turns out I'm one of the lucky few who carry a bacteria called group b strep that, while not affecting me at all, has the potential to really hurt my baby if I were to pass it along to him/her during the delivery. and so now when I go into labour I have the pleasant addition of needing IV penicillin for 2-4 hours prior to actually giving birth. I've been internet-ing this bacteria for the last few days trying to figure out why I have it (do I have poor hygiene? is it genetic? luck of the draw?) but I can't and all I'm doing in the meantime is working myself up worrying about it. The internet can be a dangerous and scary place.

Tomorrow is my last day of work and then I'm on full-time waiting for baby days - and not a moment too soon! This week I've been getting really exhausted by mid-afternoon and my motivation to move beyond the couch is plummeting with each passing hour. but for now, its time to finish this sermon and then hope that I don't actually have to deliver it because labour has begun -wouldn't that be lovely. IF by chance labour doesn't begin tonight, please everyone pray my water doesn't burst during church tomorrow -that is just my worst nightmare right now... (well, worst as in most vain, but still after the safety of the baby and how on earth I'm going to deliver this toddler, worst.)

Baby Showers

2010-04-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've packed my camera in my hospital bag and so unfortunately I have no pictures to show off any of the beautiful gifts me and scott and baby received this past Sunday.

What a day! after church the congregation held a surprise baby shower for us that was super great. They had organized a potluck lunch and we were given so many gifts I didn't know where to look! And then I ran from that party to a SECOND baby shower that a friend of mine hosted with absolutely delicious food and good visiting (and no games :) ) and MORE lovely and generous gifts. I was very overwhelmed with the whole day. Both showers were so wonderful and everyone was so generous and supportive and nice and excited. It was just a GREAT day. GREAT. and I am very thankful!!

waiting game

2010-04-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

we went to see my doctor today and, as it turns out, they prefer not to induce large babies early because there is a better chance of me delivering normally if I go into labour on my own. What the ultrasound did seem to confirm was that if I can't seem to deliver naturally, a CS will be the route to go instead of forceps because this baby is not just tall -he/she is BIG.

I know that not being induced next week is actually good news, and that I should be happy my doctor is not prone to unnecessary medical intervention, but I had sort of worked out what it would mean for all of that to happen and so now I have to admit, although sort of relieved, I'm a bit disappointed.

As of yesterday the baby had lots of fluid around him/her so he/she is safe and healthy in that regard. As of today his/her head is quite low and (warning: possibly too much info coming up) my cervix was soft but hadn't started dilating at all so although the baby is gettin' ready, labour wont' be in the next few days.

now we wait. and the baby keeps growing. Yesterday I went and bought some bigger sleepers in case he/she won't fit into the 0-3 month stuff we bought. what a crazy thought.

2010-04-13T17:17:00.001-07:00

My ultrasound tech was surprisingly friendly and open with me re. what she saw on the screen today (my usual experience with this crowd has been alot of 'i'm sorry, i can't say.....and I know that they are telling the truth). From my first ultrasound dates I should be 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant and, if i was following typical charts, the baby should weigh about 5.5 lbs.

What I found out today was that I am measuring at 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant and that the baby weighs 7.9lbs. What I don't know yet is what this will mean for a due date -that is for the doctor to tell me tomorrow. yikes.

place your bets

2010-04-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

Consensus on Sunday morning amongst the church ladies was that there was no way i was making it to my due date. That, and the fact that I have been sent for an ultrasound tomorrow because my doctor thinks that the baby is measuring large makes me think that they could be right. At my appointment last week my doctor and I talked about what it could possibly mean if I am measuring large -a rather scary conversation, basically involving different options of intervention that all seem really terrible. What I'm hoping is that either I go into labour early on my own (and that we just have a wrong due date) or else, if the baby is ginormous, that I am induced early -like next week or something (to avoid the different forms of cutting options I was told about).

I'll find out the results of the ultrasound on Wednesday and I'll let you know what I hear. From what I've read its hard to get a really accurate ultrasound at this point so I have no idea what my doctor is going to suggest. maybe the baby is just really tall and then all will be okay.

In the meantime, my braxton hicks back contractions have come back over the last few days and are definitely stronger and more regular (but still very irregular and clearly not yet pointing to real labour). The baby has dropped (Again, confirmed by the church ladies who watch me like momma hawks (?) bears (?) these days) and I am basically ready for he/she to arrive -knowing at the same time that there are things we need to do that haven't been done and if this process is suddenly fast-tracked the baby and I will be taking a shopping trip not too far into his/her little life.

officially, 27 days more to go. we'll see.

I Remember Florida, the land of endless malls..

2010-04-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Judy (see 2 posts ago) sent me these pictures this week. Isn't it amazing how pictures can bring back memories you didn't even know you had? Until I opened this picture I had completely forgotten about this sundress but when I saw this picture I was suddenly reminded of how I loved this dress but how I got a terrible sunburn wearing it on this trip to florida.

This picture is me and phil (Judy's son) at disney world. After my mom passed away we went to disney world for several years in a row over march break. I was in love with Phil. I am ecstatic in this picture because not only did I get to go on the ride with Phil, he had let me 'drive' the car when no one else would. can you see the pride on my face? I maybe think I'm actually driving.
This is a picture of me, my sister, brother and dad. Amanda had made this cake but I think there was a trick candle on it or something that we couldn't blow out.
This is the cottage. when I dream of heaven, its always the cottage.
New Years Day hockey on the lake. I feel like this is almost the best picture ever taken (there is one that trumps it of us and the neighbour kids on the porch in the summertime that is just pure 80s childhood, but I don't have a copy of that one). Do you remember how hard it was to get skates tied up tight enough when you were a kid and what a production it was to get all that winter gear on for a game of hockey?

Easter

2010-04-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

Well, that was a holy week for the records.

Last Monday we began our week long vacation bible camp for kids 3-11 on Joseph. It was great. We had between 19 and 23 kids everyday and half were neighbourhood kids without a connection to the church -This was especially great for me because we have been trying to make our church more neighbourhood friendly and it feels like we are on the right track. The kids had a great time, there were no broken bones and not many tears.

So, camp from 9-12 everyday and then home for lunch and to prep for my evenings:

Monday: Stations of the Cross

Tuesday: prenatal class (a good break at the beginning of the week)

Wednesday: Bible Study

Thursday: preach

Friday: preach

Saturday: we ran another neighbourhood activity for the kids -a bbq, easter egg hunt and craft extravaganza. Again we had about 20 kids turn up, and 5 were another set of neighbours we had never met before.

vigil service.

Sunday: preside.

At 9 months pregnant, it was an exhausting week (actually i think i would have been exhausted pregnant or not) but it was great. The camp went well, the services went smoothly, and it was certainly a holy week to remember. And it felt like we were doing what we were supposed to be doing -not just running around crazy for the sake of it.

Now I have 2.5 weeks left till mat leave and things will be much quieter, although my time is still filling up quickly so I don't feel like i'll just be wasting away in my office. life is generally pretty good.

Of course, having spent 6 days with children I caught a disgusting cold that, thankfully, remained at bay until Sunday afternoon, I do have a cough that would scare away wild animals and am just generally sort of gross but after 2 days on the couch I'm getting better.

And lent is over and easter is here. alleluia.

one for the self-esteem

2010-04-01T15:23:00.001-07:00

My parents met their best friends at prenatal class. If you haven't heard the story before its a good one, I think. When they (my parents) were pregnant with my oldest brother their backyard neighbors were also, coincidentally, pregnant with their first child as well. At this point they had never actually met each other but, and this is a good side story, apparently my mom had spent some quality time laughing at them because from our driveway she could see into their house, and their upstairs bathroom, and from time to time would catch the husband going to the washroom without shutting the door. Anyways, at one of their classes, instead of going with the rest of the husbands to talk as he was supposed to, Chris (neighbor) went through the registration forms and found out that my parents were their neighbors and he told his wife that she should introduce herself. the rest is pretty much history. Jeff and Phil are still friends some 38 years later and after my mom passed away Judy pretty much took over as surrogate mom for us -keeping my own mom's memory alive with stories and becoming as close as any family member could ever be.

And so, I've had this romantic notion since before I was ever pregnant that maybe Scott and I would meet another couple in prenatal class that we could be friends with. And this past week was a step in the right direction. I wouldn't say they are necessarily kindred spirits -but I would say that for the first time in our time in coupledom, Scott and I were hit on by another couple.

The first week of class I took a survey of the room and decided there were 2 potential couples we could befriend (obviously, this was a very shallow survey based primarily on age, if they were annoying in class and looks). Last week I was so hot and uncomfortable I didn't think too much about it and no one really seemed interested in talking with anyone else anyways so we left without speaking to anyone.

When we went to class this week I had pretty much given up hope that we would meet anyone but during the break, to my surprise, one of the couples started talking to us. And the opening line was, 'do you have many friends with babies?' Turns out they are from Ontario (smile). She is a grad student (smile again). He played soccer in my hometown (its getting weird). and they seemed like normal people (shock and awe). it was relatively exciting. However, it was at the end of class when things really looked up. As we were leaving I said 'have a good week' and they said 'you too' and then he said, 'I really like your birks. Now these birks are a year old and pretty disgusting looking so, to me, this seemed like a pretty clear sign they were looking for friends too. I tried to act cool and I said thanks and we talked about my hobbit feet for a minute (obviously, acting cool could only last so long with hobbit feet as the topic of conversation) and then while I went to the washroom they kept talking with Scott for awhile about school and about where we live. ALSO it came out almost immediately that I am a priest and they still kept talking to us. conclusion: they were totally into us.

We only have one class left and because both Scott and I are incapable of being outgoing in these types of situations we probably won't actually make friends, but it did make last week a more enjoyable class and it was fun to be flirted with. :)

the baby blanket

2010-03-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

33 weeks 4 days

2010-03-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

in the last 2 days I think the baby has started to drop...I can't see a noticeable change but the location of pressure has changed and I've started feeling this radiating sensation in my lower back every once and a while..it makes me so hopeful that maybe one day i will actually go into labour.

Also, I asked my doctor if she could tell how big the baby was and she said 'average, maybe a bit above average but you're tall so i'm not worried about it.' we'll see what that means!

My new crush

2010-03-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

I tend to have at least one crush going at all times. Some are very short lived, others develop into near obsessions (well, not really....) This crush has been developing over the last year and a half and I think it is fair to say I have a major crush on Debra Dean Murphy, or at least on her writing. I am constantly amazed by her insight into life and faith and most weeks wish I could just preach her homilies rather than figure out my own because hers are really, really good. Anyways, if the sermons your way are a bit bleak, or if you're just looking to read something good, check her out.

This is an excerpt from her post this morning (I hope that its legal in the world of the blog to pull an excerpt like this):

It is tempting to think of the Upper Room scene in the Gospels’ passion narratives as a dreamy, candle-lit fellowship meal, rather than, as Ched Myers has said, “the conflict-ridden final hours of a fugitive community in hiding.”

Likewise it’s easy to interpret Jesus’experience in Gethsemane as calm, resolute submission to a pre-ordained plan rather than as the deep, sweaty struggle of a man coming to terms with his revolutionary calling.

On the Sunday before Easter, churches often follow “The Liturgy of the Palms” with “The Liturgy of the Passion.” This choice is usually made when a church won’t be holding Holy Week services or, more conspiratorially, when turnout is expected to be low on Maundy Thursday and Good Friday. Going from the high of Palm Sunday to the high of Easter is, as seasoned pastors know, to cheat and be cheated."

Things I am looking forward to (things i will not miss):

2010-03-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

-losing the hobit feet I've grown and being able to wear real shoes again -and on a similar note, being able to wear my rings again.

-peeing like a normal adult, on a normal schedule, and (hopefully) not worrying about peeing myself everyday (those commercials about bladder control are FREAKING me out! )

-adding onto the last point, not needing to wake up to pee 4 times a night (i know i'll be waking up -but feeding a child seems a bit more productive than just peeing in small increments every hour on the hour)

-losing the annoying snoring habit that has developed thanks to my constantly stuffed sinuses mixed with the baby weight.

-the twitchy hips, knees, legs that steal my sleep.

as of today I've completed 33 weeks and 2 days of this pregnancy and I think its fair to say we're officially in the countdown time. I've got 2 crazy hectic weeks of work left, followed by 3 (hopefully) much less hectic weeks of work and then I will be on mat leave when I will start trying to force this baby out on a daily basis.

2010-03-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

It seems that this could be a new pattern. Me and 5am are getting to know each other pretty well....work should be just a hoot for the next 5 weeks.

2010-03-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

Its 5am. Saturday night. not impressed.

and Jody Foster will play the role of Susan

2010-03-08T08:30:00.001-08:00

It is AMAZING what can happen in a week. Last Monday I was in a terrible state of exhaustion and grumpiness from lack of sleep. Yesterday I was careful to drink a ton of water throughout the day (this is quite the feat for me on Sundays -all day long I'm being offered coffee and am inclined to accept because Sundays exhaust me) and last night I slept. I SLEPT. It was so great.

I'm not sure if the Tragically Hip are a guilty pleasure because there are other bands that I feel a lot more guilty about, but anyways, yesterday I found our copy of Live Between Us in the car and popped it into the cd player. Now, growing up in Ontario in the 90s meant I listened to the hip just about exclusively for about 6 years but even still I was surprised at how instantly that cd that transported me to 1. summer 2. the lake 3. campfires. If I ever start losing my memory, my music therapy should probably start with the Hip.

A few things i'm looking forward to this week:

1. I'm going out for lunch today-super fun.

2. Scott comes home tomorrow -THANK GOODNESS- Scott and I have been together for...9 years now and, let me tell you, I prefer when he is home with me.

3. I get to go see my Doctor tomorrow and hear the baby's heartbeat.

4. A friend is coming down from Fort McMurray this weekend and is staying over for the night -YIPPEE!

5. I'm not preaching this week and I don't have any Saturday events so Saturday will be a real day off.

monday, monday

2010-03-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

the restless legs syndrome was back last night. after 3 nights of lovely, relatively undisturbed, sleep i was up till 3:30 with the torture technique of nearly falling asleep a thousand times only to be suddenly brought back with my legs spazing out. Sundays are long days for me to begin with so i just felt like i was losing my mind. Its possible I was a bit dehydrated so today i've been drinking water like a maniac trying to get my balance right again.

Anyways, this just set me on a bad track for the day. its 5:30 and i'm now considering going out to pick up some fabric to make me feel better...i'm just trying to decide if I actually have the energy to make the trip.

ug.

Saturday

2010-02-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

I actually finished my sermon already so, miracle of all miracles, I have the day off to play. I haven't really decided what I'm going to do yet - I need to go and buy a birthday present and I'm sort of thinking that I would like to buy a skirt for when I'm not pregnant anymore....I know that I don't know what size i'll actually be after this is all over but most of my skirts are wearing pretty thin and I feel like if a new skirt were hanging in my closet it would give me some hope that one day, one fine day, this baby will arrive and I won't be pregnant anymore. hope is good.

let's be honest

2010-02-25T16:23:00.000-08:00

when I get a migraine I cry. This week i almost let my back go out rather than go to the chiropractor for the ART therapy I need because it has hurt so much for the past few months that I almost cry in front of my chiropractor. As it is I have to squish my eyes close and stop talking because I feel like she might just be killing me.

So, if I'm being honest, the chances of me making it through labour without some pain intervention are looking slim.

we'll see. I wanted to do this naturally-I really did. but this pregnancy has not gone as planned since the beginning and now that i'm giving birth with a doctor and at a hospital, I feel like I should just go the whole way and get that epidural while I'm at it. Go for the complete experience.....

I am really really really not good with pain.

Sarah Joy

2010-02-24T21:42:00.000-08:00

Sarah Joy is 8 and she is my favourite kid at church (don't tell the other kids). I wish I could post a picture of her here so you could see how cute she is, but i'm pretty sure its illegal to post pictures of children without their parents' consent -and i don't feel like going to all of that trouble for a little blog post. Sarah Joy is the 2nd oldest (of 4) child of the priest that I work with. She lives with down syndrome. She has long, perfectly straight, blond hair that she wants to dye black so that she will look like Pocahontas. She takes ballet lessons. She does not appreciate being teased but will put up with it for a little while.

when I was on bed rest, Sarah came with her mother to pray for me and the baby and ever since then she has had a special bond with this child in my womb. I told her that when the baby is born she can hold him/her and she is quite pleased with this idea. I've been told by her siblings that she talks about the arrival of the baby lots at home.

Every time Sarah sees me she tells me how excited she is for the baby to arrive. i tell her i'm pretty excited too. Then she pats my belly and smiles. Two weeks ago when I served Sarah communion, she took the wafer, smiled at me and then reached out and touched my belly for a couple of seconds before she took the wine. I nearly started to cry.

Last week during the children's talk she simply stood in front of me and kept her hands on my belly for the entire time I was talking to the kids. She's very careful when she does this and i feel like she is somehow giving the baby a blessing. Its pretty neat.

I am excited for lots of people to meet this baby, but after the usual suspects i am most excited to take the baby to church so that Sarah can hold him/her. It is going to be great. Maybe even worth asking for permission to post her picture great.

help

2010-02-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

I want to start wearing my hair in headbands, or scarves a la Margaret O'Gara, but whenever I put them on I find them in half an hour falling off my head or on the ground.... what am i doing wrong? tying to tightly? is my head just not properly shaped? is it the material???

Pregnancy is going well these days. I had the regular diabetes test this week and my second syphilis test (How many women, testing clean for syphilis at 3 months pregnant go out and pick it up between months 4-7 that a second blood test is warranted?? oh, the many lovely side effects of the oil fields...) but i'm expecting that both will come back fine.

My only complaint these days is the restless leg syndrome. it is completely ruining my sleep. To be honest, I work best on about 9 hours of solid shut eye sooo this whole 5 hours with lots of interruptions is not really doing much for my productivity or my sanity. On Sunday I wasn't preaching so I celebrated communion and then was supposed to offer the final blessing. So, after the final hymn, I went behind the altar and began to speak - but do I offer a blessing? no. I begin the absolution again. and, pleasantly, we had just put a new sound system in so I was clear as a bell. I stopped about a line in, said "oh, I'm sorry, that's not right" and proceeded to offer the blessing as I was supposed to, very red in the face. :) I'm preaching this Sunday so here is hoping that my brain and mouth can work together for 15 minutes and i don't completely embarrass myself.

but about the headbands, suggestions are very welcome......

a retraction...sort of

2010-02-09T22:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, I just got back from my monthly check up. turns out I gained 10 pounds this month instead of the expected 4. so, maybe I deserved the comments from church lady and maybe I deserve to be called 'big mama' like they have threatened to start doing. dammit.

rage against..

2010-02-08T10:47:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I was reminded of an event in my life that I had completely forgotten about that now strikes me as sort of interesting. So, if you've been wondering if there is a side to my personality that you (possibly) wouldn't have expected, here it is -or at least a symptom of it: A few years ago I was sent to an anger management seminar. ME. in anger management. I know -shocking! or not. I was an intern at a mega church in Toronto and I really didn't appreciate the way the 'executive pastor' was treating the pastor of the Iranian congregation that met in our building and so I maybe picked a bit of a fight in the meeting. And perhaps I refused to back down about the subject at hand. What even made me remember this incident was being asked the question how I deal with feeling manipulated or undermined by co-workers and this is what suddenly came to mind. how on earth did I forget all about that day?

Anyways, for a variety of reasons I've been thinking about how I deal with anger over the last little while and whether or not I should have taken that anger management course more seriously (From what I remember, it was total crap and I just sat and drank coffee all day). And then this morning I read this fabulous blog that made me think about it a bit more. Now, I'm not insane enough to think that all my anger is righteous (in the case of me vs. the mega church I would say it was ;) in the case of me vs. other drivers on the road, probably not so much...) This is the conclusion I've come to: I'm pretty much okay with the level of rage I carry with me. Usually I keep it well under control, on some occasions it is used improperly and I need to apologize in those instances, but on the whole I'm glad that I have the ability to get really good and angry about some things. And really, as we all know, most of the time I'm scared of my own shadow so its not like Mr. Hyde gets all that many chances to appear.

2010-02-05T09:21:00.000-08:00

Fernie is looking for an Anglican priest. interesting :)

(i'm not actually going to apply....probably....no....)

2010-02-02T13:29:00.001-08:00

On a totally different note, On Sunday someone kindly told me that with 3 pregnancies they were never as big at 9 months as I am at the beginning of 7 and was I sure I had 3 more months to go?

nice.

Yes, I'm sure. I am 26 weeks 2 days. 13 weeks 5 days to go.

I should also note that this is the same person who in May, when I certainly wasn't, asked me if I was pregnant.

for the sake of my self-esteem, I am going to have a restraining order placed against this woman until I have lost all baby weight post-pregnancy.

2010-02-02T12:59:00.001-08:00

For a number of years I flit back and forth between the idea of going into 'ministry' - becoming a priest/pastor/minister -choose your word- and pursuing academia and becoming a professor of church history or theology. A lot of that confusion was formed out of my own need to come to terms with the arguments I heard (and came up against) about women in church leadership. Once I had dealt with those arguments for myself, there was little question left in my mind- what I actually wanted to do was be a priest.

Let me just say, everyday I am more and more convinced this is the life for me...especially when I need to read theologically heavy stuff. If I take the time I can figure out what is going on and I have the ability to follow an argument etc., but its not natural to me. and usually I have to read something 3 times because my interest will drift part way through and I'll have to start over just to find out how much I missed (usually I've continued to 'read' for about 2 pages before I realize I have no clue where I am). Where my real skills lay is in my ability to recognize that theology is important to life, having a general sense of when there is something that I need to learn, working my way through it once on my own and then asking scotty, who happens to be a brilliant teacher, to explain things to me so that I can ask my questions and figure out how its going to affect my congregation. I shudder to think of how crazy I would have made myself if I had opted to stay in theology. and how long it would have taken to finish another degree. ugh. But, on that note, I'm going to listen to +Rowan's talk on economics and faith for a second time because when I turned on the podcast the first time I stopped listening about a third of the way through and I'm pretty sure he said something good after I stopped listening.

seems there's more to figure every day

2010-01-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

As you might imagine, in the dead of prairie winter I spend a lot of my time hibernating and thinking about warmer days. This year, as I consider the day when I am able to go outside and not freeze, my thoughts are primarily consumed with May 9th, the petit bebe and what the future might hold in the months to come following his/her birth. When I go on mat leave (April 25th -woot! woot!) I will finish my time as Assistant Curate, which means that I have no idea what or where I will return to after my leave. I've spent some time speculating on this subject but have mostly tried to ignore it since, as we all know, what on earth the future holds for a clergy/theologian marriage is often beyond imagination. Today, though, certain pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. I had a meeting with the treasurer for the diocese to discuss mat leave and one with the bishop (and all of the other 'newly ordained') to discuss what the process post-curacy looks like.

First, the most exciting news - as of 2 months ago, the diocese instituted a top-up policy for the first 4.5 months of maternity leave. THIS. IS. INCREDIBLE. I had heard rumblings that this policy had been approved but I was too scared to get my hopes up. I know this would be helpful to anyone going on leave, but for scott and I its just the best news in the world. It means Scott will be able to continue writing basically full-time for at least another 4 months post-baby before we have to reconsider our plans, which puts us 4 months of full-time writing closer to finishing the dissertation. WONDERFUL. giant sigh of relief.

The other part of this isn't really news, but I've started thinking about what it would look like to work half-time after mat leave. If we could swing it, I think this could be a really great option for us and it seems like it might actually be a real possibility in the diocesan plans as well... I don't really know what this would look like but its something new to consider and consider it I will.

On the baby front Scott and I are now the proud owners of 24 prefold diapers washed 3 times, as instructed, in diaper safe detergent and ready for baby to arrive. I am aware that I have another 14 weeks to go, but its hard not to get things ready. Also, I just needed to get this done because i was spending WAY too much time trying to decide what detergent to use, and what diapers to buy. The internet can be a very dangerous place.

Also, wonderful new friends who are finished having babies gave us their baby monitor, a portable gate and a stack of books the other day -so great!

I am finished knitting the baby blanket, the front is all stitched together and I am going to go and get some flannel for the back after I finish my sermon this afternoon.

Scott's mom refinished Scott's bassinet (I know, so awesome - also, hilarious because the reason it needed to be refinished is because there is a good chance that the paint from Scott's infancy contained lead... aw well, Scott turned out fine) and she is making some sheets to fit it, along with a couple of receiving blankets. so nice!

I went and scoped out the baby store, once upon a child, and happily realized that its filled with used toys and clothes and other baby/toddler stuff in great condition for really, really reasonable prices -including new moby-type wraps made locally by an edmonton woman. score. I think they may be the only baby store not trying to absolutely take advantage of hormonal women by pricing things ridiculously high and trying to convince us its necessary to be good moms.. other baby stores = high pressure jerks.

24 weeks 5 days

2010-01-23T08:21:00.001-08:00

2010-01-11T10:01:00.000-08:00

is taking a break from the world of the blog for a little bit.

2010: so far, so good.

2010-01-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

I think I need to clarify - 2009 was hard, but not perhaps as bad as I made it sound. there was much good about the year and much to be thankful for. however, i'm still glad its over :)

2010 - I can tell is already shaping up to be great.

1. I can feel (and see) the baby kick now -so exciting! I can barely wait for he/she to arrive.

2. church life is going well - I have a meeting with a crc pastor from the neighbourhood who wants to get community stuff going -this is what I'm supposed to be doing so now I feel like I may actually be able to be useful for my last few months here.

3. I spent the last 4 days visiting with Sherri -Sherri and I met in undergrad, did our masters degrees together and then both went to Wycliffe for another degree (phd for her, mdiv for me...at least my degree is finished :), we were roommates for a period of time and have worked through several near breakdowns together -it was good to have an old friend staying with us and just laughing and a nice way to kick off the year.

4. When I have the baby my sister is going to come out to visit and bring at least one of her babies (molly is almost 3 and shaye is almost 5) with her. that is going to be so. much. fun.

5. I have major plans in motion for an incredible vegetable garden and bread making.

6. scott has promised to make me pumpkin beer for when I am no longer carrying this baby on the inside.

Okay, that's all I can think of for now but 2010 is shaping up well and I am content with her at this point.

2009-12-31T14:18:00.000-08:00

It has taken me awhile to realize that 2009 has been a year onto itself -and that it began with me leaving Toronto. In a lot of ways I cannot believe that an entire year (minus 2 weeks) has now passed since that weekend of saying goodbye and crying my eyes out to the sound of bluegrass music in various bars around town. Good grief, that was a sad weekend. For me I sort of feel like life was put on pause somewhere in the spring of 2008 and that 2009 was more of a slip in time than an actual year.

I think it is safe to say that personally 2009 was probably one of the hardest years on record. I started the year by leaving school and the life of a student (even though I had been pretty much done classes for a few months I was still working on a couple of online courses and was around the campus a lot for various reasons throughout 2008), a church that I had grown to love, friends that I had only recently-ish made but who I had grown to love dearly dearly dearly and just a really happy little life that was, in a lot of ways, simple and good. Despite the commute.

Scott and I moved across the country in the middle of January and I was dumbfounded by the fact that I did not readjust to life in a new city as easily as I thought I would-especially since I had lived here before and had been happy here. I began in my first official role as assistant curate at a church in the city and was ordained to the priesthood in March- very exciting events and ones that I had worked towards and fought for for a long time, but scary and intimidating at the same time. I think a lot of the transition anxiety was elevated because Scott and I didn't have a place of our own for a couple of months (thank you recession and slow housing market) and that for the first time in our lives together we were beginning something that didn't end with both of us back in school within a few months. Right after we got here (5 days on the road in January is not an experience I would recommend to anyone, even though it was a pretty smooth drive) Pat died and we couldn't make it back for the funeral. That was heartbreaking. So, January and February -less then stellar. But the year has gone on. Proof that there is a god. Life as a priest is beginning to make more sense- I've made several mistakes and have learned some hard lessons but I know that this is what I am meant to do with my life and I feel incredibly lucky (I know, wrong word but 'blessed' just sounds so pretentious sometimes. Even though that is what this is.) that I am able to be a priest -even though some days I complain more than others.

Scott finished his final comp and on December 19th defended his thesis proposal and is now officially a PhD cand. -this is just incredible to me because I remember clear as day when we were both still undergrads at our little conservative bible college talking about grad programs and what we would do and I thought the day would never actually come when a doctoral degree would be in sight. He has done an amazing job and I am quite the proud wife.

In May I got to go home for a week and spent a wonderful time with friends and family and listening to music.

In July we went to Chicago and had a great time with friends at the Ekklesia project.

In August I got pregnant. Yip, yip, houray, houray!!

In October morning sickness and exhaustion set in.

In November I went on bed rest after some scary complications and watched a lot of tv.

In December I emerged from bed rest, no longer nauseous and full of energy. My belly is growing and Scott and I are both so unbelievably excited for this baby.

2010 is the great unknown. Like the other theologians wives on here, there is a lot of uncertainty as Scott finishes up this degree about whether or not he will find a job teaching and where we will end up. I know Scott is afraid to get his hopes up but I just really hope that someone will take a chance on him because he is a really great teacher. And loves teaching. And the church. Who wouldn't want someone like that?

The baby arrives in May and that will, of course, change life as we know it. I will be on mat leave for most of the year and we will have to figure out what that will look like.

With all the uncertainty its a bit intimidating starting another year, but I have a good feeling about it. Maybe its just the hormones talkin', but I think 2010 is going to be good.

Happy New Year to all! And as for 2009 -good riddance. :)

they're puttin' up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace

2009-12-22T12:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it. I finished the bags that I set out to make. I have to admit, I'm quite proud of them. AND I figured out that the machine jamming was because I was near the end of the thread on the bobbin and it was catching, so I feel better now about trying something new and more complicated in the new year.

After a week off the couch all seems to be going well. I'm most definitely showing now and have been able to feel the baby kick for the last 2 days -wow, is that ever incredible. I haven't had any new complications and am feeling pretty good -my only complaint is that my changing centre of gravity and the extra weight that I'm carrying are aggravating my back in the place where I put it out a few years ago but I have an appointment with the miracle chiropractor on Thursday (I think she may possibly be the strongest woman on earth -seriously-she is crazy and so so good.) and so I am hoping that I'll be all fixed up by the beginning of the Christmas eve services!

Its snowing here today, I just finished a meeting with a woman who is going to have her baby baptized on Sunday and now I'm off to write my sermon for Christmas day. Its good to be back :)

count down to hand made christmas

2009-12-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

So now that i am off of bed rest it is time to get to work. I decided that for Christmas this year i would make bags for Scott's mom, gramma and aunt. i have 1 of 3 done and now i'm losing my nerve. I only touched a sewing machine for the first time this past summer and i have been figuring things out since then by sight and doing simple things learning by trial and error. for myself, this is okay but for gifts i'm starting to feel self conscious and wondering what i was thinking.

tonight, for instance, i was all set to try to make this little quilted log cabin purse for scott's mom. I had just enough fabric of complimentary colours that i thought it would work and not be too embarrassing for me to give (or her to wear) but, as it turns, out I have no clue what i'm doing :) I was finishing up my first block, when my sewing machine started jamming up, and then kept jamming up till i put my face in my hands and almost started to cry. i'm not sure if its because one of my fabrics is too thin and is causing problems, or if has something to do with sewing with the grain (a point I keep meaning to figure out and start doing but so far haven't) or what. After three or four tries I decided to give up and instead i'm making big beach bags in a really simple style that I've tried and succeeded with already and hopefully this will leave me sane at the end of the evening.

I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions on books for learning how to sew? i think this needs to become my nighttime reading for awhile.

a disjointed rant...

2009-12-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

I know my little blog doesn't have a wide Anglican readership, but I'm back at work and catching up on the world of church and politics and so for today - I offer you my opinion on some Anglican dirt.

After 6 weeks of tv and internet, I decided I needed to spend some time figuring out why my dear brothers and sisters are ticked with my beloved Rowan Williams. Again (I knew they were mad because of facebook. Yes, I am that sad.) As I've figured out its because +Rowan has not made a public statement about the anti-homosexual bill being put forward by a member of the Ugandan parliament. The Anglican church in Uganda is very strong and the bishops there have not made a statement against the bill, so many people feel that +Rowan should say something. This is a very serious situation, with the possibility if the bill is passed that someone be put to death for being a homosexual. obviously, we're in serious territory here people.

But, what people are more upset about is that only 12 hours after the diocese of LA elected the Rev. Canon Mary Glasspool, an openly lesbian woman, as suffragan bishop +Rowan made a short statement on the election and the uncertainty of what this will mean for the Episcopal Church USA and its relationship with the communion.

So on facebook (way to go everybody, that will sure get worthwhile attention!) there is a page started about the statement that +Rowan should have made.

These are some of my thoughts:

1. Although +Rowan has not made a public statement about the bill in Uganda he has been clear that he thinks it is terrible and has been working behind the scenes to try and help stop it from happening. We don't know what he is doing but if we trust him to make a statement, shouldn't we trust that he is trying to do what is best behind the scenes?

2. +Rowan is archbishop of Canterbury, not the president of the world. OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO MAKE A STATEMENT ON AN EPISCOPAL ELECTION THAT AFFECTS THE COMMUNION -THAT IS HIS JOB. ESPECIALLY when the communion has agreed that for a time, for the sake of the communion in grace, there would be a moratorium on elections of (openly) homosexual people to the office of bishop. This is not to say that such an election is wrong, but because this is a very new step for the church, and because so many parts of the communion are not sure about whether or not such a decision is faithful to Christ, those who are sure were asked to wait, and they agreed.

3. following point #2, The statement that +Rowan made on the election of Canon Glasspool was tentative because the election hasn't yet been ratified by the house of bishops. I read the statement. I don't really feel like he was screaming down the throat of the Episcopal Church. It was a short, too the point, and frankly-pretty obvious, statement.

4. following point #2 and #3, As archbishop, Rowan has asked those parts of the communion ready to elect openly homosexual bishops to wait. We knew that this was his position. For those who are disappointed that he isn't clapping for the decision made by the diocese of LA, I have to ask what did you expect?

5. For those who are serious about their hope that what +Rowan will say in Uganda will make a difference, can't you see what a difficult position he is now in (has been in from the start because of all the fighting in the communion on the subject of homosexuality)? If indeed anyone of consequence in Uganda is going to listen to him, they need to be able to see that while he does not agree with this bill, he can at least understand (even if, again, he does not agree with) their desire to hold up what they are calling 'traditional family values' and that he isn't just on the side of the 'west'. If you want him to be a politician, then don't get mad when he has to make political decisions. If Rowan Williams were to suddenly make some big statement supporting the decision of the diocese of LA, he would have no voice in Uganda. none. He would be totally written off.

6. More then simply making a public statement to the political leaders of Uganda, because again he is archbishop not president of the world, Rowan needs to be working with the Bishops of Uganda and teaching and encouraging them in how to stand up for the equality of all people. This is the type of thing that needs to be done behind the scenes. +Rowan's role in Uganda, if we want to grant that he has one at all (see next point) is to make sure the church is prepared to protect the people. to stand up against such injustice. This is what I pray he is doing.

7. Finally, last I heard, most of the communion wasn't interested in giving +Rowan any actual authority. What do liberals and conservatives, north and south, Jefferts-Schori and Akinola all agree on? we don't want a pope (the lucky few who did want a pope and who fit with certain standards now have a pope, but that's another rant). This is the decision we've made and continue to make so why then do we get so uptight when the Archbishop isn't acting with the authority and strength of the pope? We have been unwilling to hand that authority over to him in case he makes a decision we don't like. so boohoo. When we, as individual national churches, don't like what someone else is doing and want it stopped and want +Rowan to do something about it maybe we need to think that if we're going to put someone else under that authority its only fair if we're under it too. otherwise don't complain when another part of the communion doesn't agree with you.

The Bishops of Uganda need to get it together and use their influence to stop this bill from happening. I pray that Rowan is working towards helping them do this. I pray that the Church of Uganda will be a safe place for homosexual people. I pray that we in the West will consider the consequences of what happens to others when we exert our own rights and freedoms simply because we can. Saying this I am thinking more broadly then just the immediate issue of the ordination of homosexual people. I think of my own ordination as well and the effects that it has on the unity of the church. There are times to step out and act and there are times to work within the system. I quite honestly do not know which time we are in (concerning the consecration -not the political bill).

a conversation between me and scotty...

2009-12-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

scott: are we going out somewhere tonight ? (sometimes I'm so stircrazy from the bedrest we go for a drive and scott runs errands while i sit in the car)

alex: I don't know...

scott: what did you want to get again? candy, an axe and what else?

alex: furnace filters.

then i started laughing my face off. who plans a trip out for an axe and candy ??

and who other then scott would be willing to go out on such an excursion with me?

(the axe is a christmas present. the candy is for me. and scott.)

edmonton winter

2009-12-10T08:30:00.000-08:00

so here it is: the first pregnant picture at 18 weeks and 4 days -almost half way there. I got all gussied up yesterday for that picture to send to family in a christmas card (I did have some separation anxiety for my jogging pants during the half hour i had that skirt on). we'll see if we actually get them sent or not. I'm terrible at getting cards from my house to the mailbox.

next picture is of the greatest christmas tree ever. its so nice to have a tree -this is the first time scott and I have been in a place with enough space to allow for one so I'm happy. It fits perfectly and is making the house smell so nice. The snow, mixed with the refusal of this province to plow the damn roads, made it impossible to get the tree this past weekend but Scott surprised me by bringing one home with him from work on Tuesday - along with decorations and real coke. It was a great evening.

next to that are pictures from my backyard. very pretty but so so so cold. it was -30 when these were taken. this week, i'm glad for the reason not to leave the house. ugg.

I am feeling like there is a lot I would like to do if I was allowed to leave the couch so I'm hoping that on Tuesday I get some good news from the doctor. Its so weird that I simply have no idea if I'm getting better or not.

catching up...

2009-12-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

Here are pictures of what I've been working on for the past few weeks. Its all been really boring projects but its helped use up almost all of the yarn that I wanted to get rid of, and they are serving a good purpose of Christmas presents. Not being allowed to leave the house for all of November and most of December Christmas shopping is just not going to happen, and so a few weeks ago I tried to decide how I could use what I had around to handmake as many presents as possible. Not being a great knitter (i'm still pretty slow), and not having a ton of one type of wool, I decided against trying to do anything elaborate. I've finished the scarf for Scott and have started working on one for his dad. I've finished 15 washcloths and plan on making probably 5 more once this scarf is done.

The squares are for a baby blanket and were made from left over yarn that I had used to make a blanket for a friend's baby last year.

snow

2009-12-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

On another note, its snowing outside right now and looks very wintery and Christmasy. I'm trying to figure out what my chances are of convincing Scott that we(he) should go and buy us a Christmas tree this weekend even though its before our agreed upon compromise of the 10th. I wanted to put up a tree on the 1st. he wanted to wait until the 20th or something crazy like that. so we settled on the 10th, but i think the weather indicates that it is time to put up a tree. now. today.

from the couch

2009-12-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

that's right. I'm still here. the battery in my camera needs to be charged, and with all that I'm doing these days I just haven't had the time (read the sarcasm in my voice. but I really haven't bothered charging the battery). I'm starting to feel like some retired people that I know who, despite having day after day free of work seem to be the hardest people to book -always having a reason for why they were too busy. When you only want to plan one thing into your day it is hard to get everything done.

Anyways, I've been given 2 more weeks on the couch. The baby is growing well and has a good heartbeat but the hemorrhage is still lurking about, and doesn't seem to have gotten any smaller, so to be on the safe side the doctor has told me to stay on bedrest and wait for my next ultrasound (monday) and my next appointment with her (tuesday the 15th) before going back to work. I was pretty disappointed with the news but I'm getting over it. Now, I just am really hoping that things seem clear by the 15th because I'm missing advent and all the fun Christmas services at church, and Scott and I are supposed to host Christmas this year and I want to start baking and planning. we'll see I guess.

Other then that, I've been knitting. I have knit 15 washcloths, enough squares for about half a good sized baby blanket and a 1/4 of a scarf for Scott for Christmas. Most importantly, since I've been on bed rest, I've knit through 8 balls of yarn-almost all of the random yarn that I've had sitting around for a couple of years. All that I have left in my basket is some yarn for another baby hat (its yellow) and two really giant skeins of brown wool that I'm using to make Scott's scarf and probably a few more cloths. When I am allowed out of the house I will officially be allowed to buy yarn again. although, i'll probably be knitted out. my sewing machine is calling to me pretty loudly these days......

update #2

2009-11-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I had my second doctors appointment. I have to admit even though I can tell this doctor is AMAZING and she is very nice -I miss my midwife. The difference in attention and time given is unbelievable. My midwife appointments were always booked for a full half-an-hour and so the tempo of the appointment was totally relaxed and I always felt it was okay to ask for clarifications and that I could ask any questions I want to. This doctor is very nice but the appointments are fast, and if I'm not careful I will not have my questions answered.

Anyways, because I had a bit of a set back this weekend (-it wasn't serious, but I don't think I'm going to get graphic on this blog-for all of our sakes- unless something either absolutely weird or so disgusting that it becomes cool, happens.) she has told me to continue to 'take it easy' (her term for bed rest -confusing, right?) until she is able to read my ultrasound results and see me again in 2 weeks. My ultrasound is on Monday and I will meet with her the week after on December 2nd. That means 1 month of bed rest. Cross your fingers that will be enough.

I asked what needs to happen to get me off of 'taking it easy' status and she said the ultrasound needs to show that the hemorrhage is healed and that I have stopped bleeding (ugh). so-after another stern discussion with my uterus this is what we're aiming for. :)

knitting: an extreme sport

2009-11-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

This is what it becomes when you have a genetically bad back and you're on bed rest. So, I have been thinking that I need to take a break for a couple of days. I've realized there is a direct correlation between the time spent knitting and the severity of my late afternoon/evening/nighttime headaches. Because I have a weak neck and back and my posture is now totally shot thanks to my long hours on the couch (i'm not sure if i'll ever stand up straight again) the extra strain that I create when I knit is putting me in bad shape. its no good.

But, before I made this decision, over the weekend I worked on a few projects. I knit 5 (boring) washcloths that I will post pictures of, if for no other reason than to keep a complete journal of my bedrest projects, but right now I am too lazy to go and get the adapter cord to hook up the camera to the computer. I also organized my basket of crafting things so that my yarn is all neatly bound and the fabric for my next blanket is organized by colour. (its an organizational thing of beauty. I wish I had taken a 'before shot' of this basket. it was a disaster zone)

I also started knitting squares out of yarn I used for a friend's baby blanket to make another blanket for this baby. I think I have enough left over yarn from that project to make a whole blanket, but if it seems like i'm running short it will be easy to stick another colour into the mix in the end. I feel strange not knitting this morning but my neck and shoulders need a break, even if all I can think about it is how I need to make at least 10 more washcloths for christmas presents.

The other reason I wish I was knitting is because I now have this goal to use up all of my random yarn that has been sitting around for a couple of years. If I could knit through all of that yarn by the time I went back to work I would feel like I had conquered the world from the couch. I would also then be allowed to go and get new yarn......soo tempting.

damn you neck and back for causing headaches! why can't you just take the bad posture abuse for the team??

update

2009-11-12T08:55:00.000-08:00

As of today I am 14 weeks 5 days pregnant and since Saturday I would say that my body has been behaving itself. I haven't had any new complications and I'm pretty hopeful that I'll be off the couch after my ultrasound on the 23rd. The only annoyance I have is that randomly some mornings I will get these stabbing cramps in my abdomen. I'm not sure what these are about, and they are brought on by different things -today, for instance, I was laughing at something when suddenly it felt like I'd been shot. and a few days ago I was blowing my nose and nearly fell over from the sudden cramp. ugg. My only guess is that I'm slightly dehydrated in the mornings so I try and drink a bunch of water as soon as I get up. who knows.

My main concern at this point is that I may be paralyzed by the end of these three weeks... my neck and back are driving me crazy and so I've started getting some pretty bad headaches. I try and manage my time between the couch and my bed to keep this from happening, but it doesn't seem to be working as well lately. I guess my body just doesn't think its a good idea to sit and lay down for 13 days straight. oh well. I am feeling rested :)

I'm actually keeping myself reasonably well occupied. I've been filling my days with knitting and reading and watching tv and that pretty much does the trick of getting through the day. I have said that if this does last longer than 3 weeks I will pick up the guitar upstairs and try, again, to learn how to play. so come December, stay tuned for sound clips. But for now, I'm just too busy. I do wish I could sew a bit though.

I think that's it. I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday. I'm not sure if she'll have much to say, but if she does I'll let you know.

things you have time for on bed rest

2009-11-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

I knit this baby's hat yesterday. It turned out pretty well and I think it will actually fit a newborn so its now the first piece of clothing in my possession that the baby will wear home from the hospital.

This morning I was showing it off to Scott (again. I made him look at it about 30 times last night too) and he said something about 'what a cute bonnet'. A simple enough comment, but suddenly, an old tune came into my head and I said 'tell me I'm the only bee in your bonnet' and I was instantly teleported back to 1995 when I was listening to ALOT of They Might Be Giants. And so, while Scott left for work, my main priority for the morning became finding utube videos of tmbg's songs. specifically, birdhouse in your soul. I would say its official that I have too much time on my hands. :)

names

2009-11-10T10:25:00.001-08:00

Do you think that Sadie began as a short form for Elizabeth?

if this baby is a girl, her name is Sadie, but we're trying to figure out a middle name.

I like Amelia, but Scott isn't sure about it.

We both like the name Elizabeth but I sort of feel like Sadie might be a short form for that name

and I don't want to name a daughter Elizabeth Elizabeth.

Sadie Elizabeth -what do you think?

there'll be hell to pay for all the knittin' you've done

2009-11-10T09:28:00.000-08:00

I worked on these all day yesterday. seriously. all day.

I started with a trickier pattern, that required knitting in the round - and i thought I could handle it. sadly i could not. So, humbled, i turned back in the book to the 'beginner booties' pattern and started over. i've decided these are actually cuter than the other pattern though. i'm not sure when these will actually fit a baby, specifically my baby - but if they are too big for a newborn they will work perfectly for halloween :)

just for information, if you're looking for a book of knitting patterns go for debbie bliss - she has a ton of books out and they are clear and they work. As cute as these booties are, they are from a melanie falick book and her patterns are more than a bit annoying to follow -she's tricky though because her books are gorgeous and she has great photos of her projects -don't let that trick you! i have been annoyed by her patterns more than once!

2009-11-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

This - I am most proud of. the pictures aren't great but its bright and happy and beautiful!

Its my first attempt at a quilt. Just simple squares with a brown and white checkered back.

Its super warm because I put double batting in it.

My only problem is that it totally does not match with the rocking chair. not even in a -hey those don't match so they look cool together type of way. I'm trying to decide what to do. I really love the rocking chair as it is though, so i'm thinking that I need to make another blanket that will fit better for the crib and 'pull the room together' and we'll use this blanket for other cuddling opportunities :)

to make another blanket though - I need my out of bed privileges to increase.

I have a ton of left over squares -some of which could still be used. but maybe this time i'll try new shapes or something.... ideas are welcome.

if you go down to the woods today..

2009-11-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

I have some good friends. 3 of these friends sent me some of the softest, prettiest baby yarn ever and I have been deciding what project deserves such beautiful yarn.

I started with this teddy bear. he's a bit wonky: the addition of the scarf was necessary to make the head look like it belonged on the body and the arms seem to be positioned a bit weird but I figure for the first little while I can just force this teddy bear upon the baby until he/she thinks it was his/her choice that this bear his/her favourite.

for a saturday project i'm still generally pleased with the outcome.

life from the couch

2009-11-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

So, after a major pregnancy scare, I have been put on bed rest for about 3 weeks (cross your fingers that 3 weeks will do the trick!)

Based on a suggestion for my sanity, I've decided to post any pregnancy updates that may be of interest here as well as some of the projects that I'm working on. You'd be surprised how quickly the couch and tv can suck you into a comatose state, and so i'm going to use this blog as a bit of conscience to keep me from just rotting away. the first few projects are things i've finished recently but its my goal to get some new things going quickly. because Christmas is comin' and so is this baby.

a summary so far:

days pregnant: 13 weeks 5 days

days on bed rest: 5 or 7 days (depending on whether you count the days before the latest trip to emerg)

hours of tv watched: really too embarrassing to say. alot. and very little of any worth.

books read: 1

crafting done: 4 rows on a blanket that may never be finished (it just wasn't well thought out --will require just toooo much work)

Above is a picture of an old rocking chair (and foot rest) that I recovered. i did this when we first started hoping for a baby. so far, its the only furniture for the baby's room but I love it.

I'm a fan

2009-10-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

of Rowan Williams. crazy eyebrows and all.

and am glad he is the head of my church.

amen.

enough whining, already.

2009-10-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

my last two posts have been a bit grumpy so here are a few things i'm happy about these days:

1. its 8 degrees today. lovely. i went for a walk in a fall jacket and a scarf and was completely comfortable. it was great.

2. This is Scott. and he makes me happy.

3. This is Thomas. When he isn't biting me, i enjoy his company too :)

don't listen to me in this state i'm in....

2009-10-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Just wondering if everyone who drives one of these:

is a jerk by nature, or do they simply turn into jerks when behind the wheel?

and yes, my road rage is ramping up for the winter months....

Footprints in the Snow

2009-10-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

The last time that I wrote it did not look like this outside.

However, its not like this is what it should look like -look at the trees in the background -THERE ARE STILL LEAVES ON THEM because its only OCTOBER.

Apparently, there will be temporary relief since all the white stuff is supposed to melt over the weekend.

But in the meantime, I just wanted to say I'm going to give blogging another try.

Because I think its going to be a long winter...